More Coronavirus Top Tips: At-Home Kids Edition

In response to the global pandemic known as the coronavirus, school districts across the United States have temporarily shut down. Many parents have reached out to me. TotD, what can I do with my kids? they ask, and then listen to my reply, and say I’m not throwing my kids in a river. What the fuck is wrong with you? And though so far every conversation I’ve had on the subject has ended in hurt feelings and thrown punches, I shall continue to attempt to help you poor, brat-afflicted bastards.

MAKE AN ALLY OF SLEEP

Every minute your child is asleep is a minute they’re not being a needy little asshole. Many chemicals–most of them available over-the-counter at the pharmacy or farm supply store–can keep your kid snoring for 18-20 hours a day until the school bells ring once more. Parents with more money should opt for a physician-monitored twilight sedation.

HARD CHOICES

Decide which of your children has the least earning potential, and nominate him/her as the Gofer. Need errands run? Send the Gofer. The smart, good-looking kid contracts corona, damages their lungs, and needs a double-transplant? Harvest the Gofer. Society completely breaks down two weeks from now? Trade the Gofer for supplies, or just eat him.

FAMILY VALUES

There will never be a better time to teach your kids who to hate. Which ethnicities are smart, which ones steal; sexualities that aren’t kosher; modes of behavior to abjure: the whole cat and canoodle.

FEED THEM TO BEARS

I am just kidding. Do not feed your children to bears.

LEARNING IS FUNDAMENTAL

Children soak up knowledge like a sponge soaks up money. You must continue your youngster’s education. Contact their teachers and find out where they are in their assorted syllabi, then ignore that bullshit and make the little toerags read Robert Anton Wilson and Philip K. Dick until they get paranoid and start distrusting their breakfast cereal. Then dose their breakfast cereal. Open those wee fuckers’ minds, man.

SELL THEM TO BELA KAROLYI (IF THEY ARE FLEXIBLE)

If your kids are flexible, sell them to Bela Karolyi. Bela Karolyi will buy your flexible kids.

END THIS QUICKLY

If you really wanted to help, you’d appease Trandor H’hh’H by ritualistically gnawing your stripling’s throat open, dressing the entrails in the manner prescribed in the Liber Exterri, and then doing some pervert-magick on top of the mess. Medicine has failed us; this problem requires an occult solution.

EARN OFF THEY ASSES

If you’ve got three or more children, then you have a band. All you need to do is buy your kids some instruments, and then beat them until one of them turns into Michael Jackson. Easy-peasy.

JUDAS GOAT

Sew your sins to the child, to his flesh, and send him from the village. Give him neither food nor knife. If he tries to return, chase him back to the wood.

DEAR OLD GOLDEN-RULE DAYS

If you do intend to educate your kids, consider these topics:

• Why morals and “being a good person” are crocks of shit, and how you should just make a stack of cash as quickly as possible so you can get the fuck away from the scum that makes up society.
• The forgotten Presidents: Fillmore, Polk, McKinley.
• Geospatial topology.
• NPR CPR. (Helpful if your child ever needs to administer chest compressions to Ira Glass.)
• Thaumaturgy.
• Psychic surgery.
• Refrigerator repair.
• Whalesong.
• Why Whitey deserves what’s coming to him, how to give it to him, and how to get away with it.

COAL MINES

Small hands can do big things.