- “Can we get one of the Biden grandkids to fix the Zoom? Apparently, Joe clicked on something he shouldn’t have and installed a bunch of taskbars.”
- “I don’t care if he used to be Speaker of the House; tell Boehner to put out the damn cigarette or he’s not going in-air.”
- “John Kasich just made all the interns cry.”
- “The President just tweeted out ‘PAY ATTENTION TO ME OR I’LL LAUNCH THE NUKES.’ Do we need to have a response to that?”
- “Who has eyes on Beyoncé? I need a 40 on Beyoncé.”
- “I know you’re wearing a mask, President Clinton, but I can still see what you’re doing with your tongue.”
- “Which Castro brother am I looking at?”
- “Are those…wolves…wandering through the Target Center? What the fuck, man? That’s downright post-apocalyptic. I hate this fucking year, man.”
- “John Kasich just tackled a staffer.”
- “It’s not too late to just do four straight days of Michelle Obama. I’m right about this. Flotus wins us white women. She’s the new Oprah.”
- “Yes, I understand that Senator Sanders was promised that he could say whatever he wanted. We’re fine with ‘Defund the police.’ But ‘Collectivize the farms’ is just a bridge too far.”
- “Someone tell Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez that she has 35 seconds, and she will be tazed if she goes over. Meg Whitman went long.”
- “We need an ambulance at the Biden house. One of the crew called Jil ‘Mrs. Biden’ instead of ‘Dr. Biden,’ and she went for his eyes. He really should’ve known better.”
- “You dosed the Native American Caucus? I dosed the Native American Caucus. Jesus, how many people dosed the Native American Caucus? We should go check on them.”
- “The staffer that John Kasich tackled called the cops, and when the cops came, John Kasich kicked one of them in the nuts. And he did it in front of his camera, so the Russians and Chinese have that footage now.”
- “Gillis, if you mention the fucking balloons one more time, I’m gonna shit in your nostrils. We’re all sad there’s no balloons. Stop bringing it up.”
- “Who told Billie Eilish she could give a speech instead of singing? Someone explain to me why the green-haired 19-year-old is discussing the Dodd-Frank Act.”
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
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I stand proudly with the Native American caucus!
Maybe I better lie down – proudly! – alone, over here.
Raaaaack!!!! Convention. Raaaaaackkk!!!! Dippy Doodle-itis.
Also also pssssssttttt sickhockey’s back https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GVNTzPDxfCs