“Morning, everyone. Big week, huh? I mean, you got the Florida/Florida State game, and then this. Wait. The UF/FSU game, then the Fort Lauderdale Boat Show, and then this. Let’s keep a little perspective.

“Election Day! You know whose favorite day that is? Charlie, you know?”

REPORTER PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW THE PUNCHLINE TO A RACIST JOKE NOISE

“C’mon, Charlie. You know.”

REPORTER STICKING TO HIS GUNS NOISE

“Japanese ladies! Election, erection, they get those confused. Wonderful folks, the Japanese. Way ahead of us technologically. Anyway, what was I talking about? Right, the election. I wanna go through a few points to let Floridians know that they will be safe at the polls, and that all their votes will be counted. They might not count, but they will be counted. And, uh, if you’re wondering  what the difference between those two concepts is, just wait a few days and we’ll let the Supreme Court parse it for us.

“We will not have any violence in Florida. I mean, we will not have any violence over-and-beyond the ordinary Tuesday violence. Obviously, some Publix deli guys are gonna snap and stab some shoppers, and a lot of folks are gonna be mauled in backyard zoos. That stuff’s unavoidable. You want 12 months of sunshine, y’gotta deal with supermarket mayhem and leopards in the suburbs. Part and parcel, folks.

“But we will not tolerate any political violence. Not from the Left, the Far Left, the Center-Left, or those Japanese women I was talking about earlier. I’ve had the State Police pounding Palm Beachers all weekend. That’s Ensure mixed with Monster energy drink, so they’re all shaky and full of protein. Those guys are spoiling for a fight. Don’t test ’em.

“Here’s who’s allowed to be at a polling place: the election workers, and the voters. That’s it. You may not appoint yourself a ‘poll watcher’ and hover menacingly over the machines. You also can’t appoint yourself a ‘pole watcher’ and hang out by the urinals. Although, that last thing applies to every day, not just tomorrow.

“We’ve taken multiple steps to make sure that this election is safe from the Coronavirus. There’s gonna be hand sanitizer everywhere. Literally everywhere. As far as masks go, we are asking that citizens wear them, but will not be turning away the maskless. You can’t punish someone for not being a pussy. My office looked into letting people without masks have two votes, but we couldn’t make it work.

“As to when the vote count will be finalized, I would advise setting up an office pool. It’s unknowable. Maybe we’ll know who won tomorrow night. Maybe we’ll never freaking know. It’s all possible, man. We’re going into Wonka’s tunnel here.

“So, to recap: The vote’s as safe as it’s ever been. Which I realize is a statement that changes meanings depending on how much history you know, but I’m still gonna say it. God bless Florida, y’all.”