Why aren’t you at Dead & Company rehearsal?

“Dude, this content isn’t going to provide itself.”

Uh-huh.

“Do you think I should start a beef with Lil Tay?”

I think you should get to Mill Valley and rehearse.

“Ugh. They’re all so old, man.”

Jeff and Oteil are younger than you.

“Both of them are in their 50’s.”

Right. You’re, what, a youthful 54?

“I see what you’re doing and it’s not working.”

That forehead of yours is getting some furrows in it.

“It is not.”

Maybe a little ‘tox? Little bit of ‘tox?

“Botox doesn’t work for me.”

Why not?

“Because after I get the injections, I can’t do my guitar faces.”

Makes sense.

“The kids love the faces.”

They do.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“We were kind of getting along.”

I know. Just free-floating aggression.

“I should hire someone to hurt you.”

Give me the money; I’ll do it myself.

…

“John Mayer, Maker of Content.”

“Hot Dog Dick! You read papers?”

“I read Variety, Buzzfeed, and sometimes my accountant tells me the hockey scores.”

“Summit cancelled. Dotard call off. Kim Jong-Un so sad.”

“Is that why you’re at the water park?”

“Some sadness, only water park can fix.”

“Well, I’m sorry. I know you were looking forward to working towards peace.”

“Peace!? Ha! Hot Dog Dick is funny. Triple threat. Guitar, friendship, humor. So talent.”

“You didn’t want peace?”

“No. Want to humiliate Creamsicle Face.”

“Can’t you leave him alone?”

“Is too much fun. He like wind-up doll made of stupidity and french fries.”

“True.”

“Father invent french fries.”

“Can I go? I have an ironic video that I have to promote.”

“We still doing irony? It 1998 again?”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“Can I opt out?”

Go to rehearsal.