Why are you making your backing band dress like that?

“They’re Maori. I’m in New Zealand, and we’re doing a tribute to the shooting victims.”

How’s it going?

“Not well. I suggested that they replace their native garb with Visvim.”

Did you actually use the phrase “native garb?”

“I did, yeah.”

Smooth move, Ex-lax.

“And I offered to buy them all desert boots and they started in with the whole ‘our bare feet connect us to the earth’ thing.”

Native gab.

“Right. What connects me to the earth is a good pair of $9,000 shoes.”

What you’re saying is you didn’t hit it off with the Maori.

“No. Also, they tried to teach me the Haka and I started doing the Electric Slide.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Yeah, I might deserve that.”

You totally do.

…

“You’re on with John.”

“Hey, ace. Wanna make it with my girl?”

“What?”

“She’s real fast. Nothing under that vest, right bro?”

“I have no idea what’s going on here.”

“Take her in the alley and finger her. I promise I won’t sneak up behind you and beat you senseless.”

…

“What?”

“MAKE IT WITH MY GIRL!”

“Excuse me, please.”

…

“Dickhead?”

Yes?

“I’m literally in the middle of a tribute to the dead.”

They’ll still be dead when you get back from making it with his girl. Hit the alley, big time.

“I hate this site.”

Most just ignore it.