Waking and baking, Enthusiasts, is a grand American tradition. It must be American! No European could think of something so free! A German would rather cut off his own wienerschnitzel than get high before noon, and–if he did–it would be via one of those dastardly half-tobacco spliffs that foreigners enjoy so much. You should be executed on the spot for smoking that shit.

But when can we begin to indulge? And what does our chosen start-your-engine time say about us? Thank the Lord you have me, Enthusiasts, cuz I’m gonna lay some shit out for you.

PRE-DAWN This is wrong, unless you’re still up. If you’re still up from the night before, then you can absolutely burn a doobie while the sun comes up. Otherwise: forbidden. What are you, a farmer? Did you grow the pot you’re smoking? Or are you one of those finance assholes who trades on the Nisei Exchange and lives on Tokyo time? Do not smoke pot this early; it’s unseemly.

BREAKFAST TIME Good choice, Enthusiast! Breakfast is a superior time to begin indulging in the Green Funkiness. First of all: there’s a meal involved. Always good to have some food ready when you get zooted. Second: breakfast foods are well-suited to marijuana. Wake and bacon? Yum. Captain Crunch and cannabis? Delish. Roach from the ashtray and a slice of pizza you found on your couch? Feed me, Seymour!

ELEVENISH You sleeping in again, princess? Pretty princess having a lay-in? No one bother the princess while she’s getting her beauty sleep; heaven knows she needs it.

LUNCH TIME Same benefits as breakfast.

AFTERNOON Cliched.

POT SUCKS; I’M JUST GONNA DO COKE ALL DAY Good luck with that, Yayo. Excellent longterm strategy.

WHEN YOU GET YOUR SHIT DONE This is the right answer, if we’re honest. The right time to light up your first joint of the day is immediately after completing the last task on your punch list. This is what you should do. Of course, you should also be able to go outside, and Minneapolis should be less on fire, so why are we paying any attention to “should” right now? Go smoke some pot. All the cool kids are doing it, man.