Hey, Holly Bowling. Whatcha doing?
“Ohhhhh, shit. They told me about you.”
Who?
“Everyone. Phil, Bobby, Soup.”
You know Soup?
“I found him living in my hat.”
You love that hat.
“I want no part of this.”
Not even if I plug your new album Better Left Unsung, available as two CD’s or three vinyl LPs?
“Eh.”
What about plugging your upcoming tour? Which I notice does not come to South Florida.
“I can’t go to Florida.”
Warrants?
“Warrants.”
I hear you.
“I’m gonna pass on this. It was sweet to include me in your ravings without my permission, but I’m gonna pass.”
Sorry to hear that.
CELL PHONE NOISE.
“Is that you?”
No.
“I left my phone backstage.”
Check your hat.
…
“How the hell did it get in there?”
Got me.
“Weird.”
Yeah.
…
“You’re rolling with Bowling.”
“Why you no have band?”
“Who is this?”
“Is Putin.”
“I don’t want to join the Flaming Groovies.”
“If I did not think you were also immortal, I would have you blowdarted, too.”
“What?”
“Nothing. You get band. Big hit. All-lady jam band.”
“Sounds a little gimmicky.”
“Ve call band Doobies & Boobies.”
“Pass.”
“Putin manage. You vill be big stars. I promise.”
“I cannot pass hard enough.”
CALL WAITING NOISE
“That’s me. I’m not coming back.”
“Putin find you, Holy Piano.”
“Goodbye.”
“I steal your hat.”
“GoodBYE!”
…
“Hello?”
“Holly? Was that Putin?”
“Yes!”
“The one from–”
“Not the one from the Flaming Groovies.”
“–the Flam…okay, just checking.”
“Wait. Who is this?”
“It’s Benjy Eisen. I’m calling on behalf of Elvis.”
“THAT SQUIRRELY LI’L COMMIE MAKIN’ INCURSIONS?”
“Yeah, King! It was him!”
“DAMN, MAN. AH HAVE BEEN CLEAR IN MAH WARNINGS.”
“You totally were, King. Can we Cadillac Holly?”
“CONSIDER IT DONE.”
“Nice! Holly?”
“Yeah?”
“You just got Cadillac’d!”
“What the fuck is going on?”
“It’s complicated. Putin’s been making incursions into the universe we occupy, so Elvis Presley has been fighting him using the awesome power of a fully-operational Time Cape.”
“AN’ KARATE!”
“And karate. Holly, lemme ask you something.”
“Okay.”
“Why don’t you have a band?”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
“I got an idea: all-lady jam band. I even got a name.”
“Doobies & Boobies?”
“How’d you guess!?”
DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE
“Hey!”
…
“HEY!”
Me?
“Yes! What the FUCK is going on?”
Holly, are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?
“No. No, I’m not. Mostly because that isn’t a concept.”
Oh, anything’s a concept if you can conceive of it.
“I’m calling my lawyer.”
You shouldn’t.
“Why not?”
The person who picks up is not going to be your lawyer.
“Why?”
Because she was eaten by komodo dragons this morning.
INCOMING TEXT NOISE
“Oh my God, my lawyer was eaten by komodo dragons this morning.”
Told you.
“Did you do that?”
Kinda.
“Why!?”
Couldn’t think up a punchline for the post.
“You’re a hack.”
I know.
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