Tag: instagram

Of course.

Of course it’s worse than originally imagined.

Of course the league we’re playing in is exponentially bushier than first impressions led one to believe.

We discussed this gentleman yesterday, Enthusiasts, but our bullshit cup doth floweth all over the fucking place, and so now we’re beating back against the current, borne endlessly into stupidity and high school-level literary allusions. Dave Chapell’s Mexican non-union counterpart up there calls himself Nerdsworth because the word “nerd” has lost as much meaning as the term “rock star.” Here’s a hint, though: if someone pays you to go to a concert and take pictures of yourself, you’re not a nerd. What Nerdy means is that he is familiar, overly so perhaps, with today’s pop culture.

(Quick definitions. A nerd’s obsession(s) make them money. A geek’s obsession(s) costs them money. Gary Gygax was a nerd; everyone who plays D&D is a geek. A spaz is still a spaz.)

Anyway, Nerdy’s real name–this will shock you–is not actually Nerdsworth. His birth certificate says Amra Ricketts (which sounds like a Little Aleppo name) and before he was an Influencer, he was a YouTube Personality. If he were a Alt-Right Fuckface, he would hit the “Worst Jobs of 2018” trifecta, but alas. Amra was on something called the Smosh channel, and he talked about video games. He stopped appearing in early January of this year and…

YOU

WILL

NEVER

GUESS

WHY

Okay, you probably guessed why.

Okay, probably guessed why, although “accused of sexual shenanigans” is the odds play recently if you’re forced to answer the question, “Hey, did you hear about ___?”

It should be noted that there have been no criminal charges filed, and there are no updates on the allegations; it’s possible that the accuser is making up lies to get famous, as the kind of fame that comes when a woman accuses a popular gamer of sexual shenanigans is certainly the kind of fame every woman wants. It should also be noted that it took a random Twitter user, like, ten seconds to do due diligence on this guy. Thirdly, it should be noted that the cartoon woman’s physique is improbable.

So, congratulations, whichever Dead & Company associate did this! This one is the 7-10 split of fuck-ups. Is this it? Will there be any more surprises from the publicity department this summer? I hope it doesn’t turn out that the white guy in the jorts ate somebody. Because, honestly? That’s where it looks like Instagate is heading. Good work all around, folks.

Instagate?

I have christened the scandal.

It’s not terrible.

I rule. Anyway, I hope Amra’s doing okay and hasn’t let this embitter him.

Uh-oh. Maybe Nerdsworth’s gonna be an Alt-Right Fuckface after all.

I need you to remember that the present is embarrassing. Today, right now, the moment in which you’re currently existing: shameful and shitty and entirely without grace notes. It is a faithless, silly age, and we’ve given all the megaphones to the dumb. The dumber you are, in fact, the louder your voice. It’s tawdry, is all. 2018 feels like washing your dick in the sink after a five dollar handjob: you were meant for something better, and you hope no one sees you.

Look at this bullshit. I mean, really look at it. Take out your eyeballs and rub them on your monitor. Then stuff ’em up your asshole; I guarantee you’d rather look at what’s up there than this bullshit. Did you look? Did you look at the bullshit?*

This little twerp, you see, is what’s called an Influencer. They exist on Instagram, but sometimes they spread their wings over on YouTube. This one likes to give fashion tips.

What a punchable name.

(Also: here’s everything you need to know about men’s shorts. ONE: There’s an apostrophe in “men’s.” TWO: Men shouldn’t fucking wear shorts.)

Anyway, Parker wasn’t at the Dead & Company show of his own volition. No Deadhead would wear a bandana like that. Parker was hired by some sort of publicity firm to go to the show and…well, that’s where the plan breaks down. Ticket sales were weak for the Dodger Stadium, but by the time these posts went up, the concert was taking place. Were Angelenos supposed to hop in their cars and race down to Chavez Ravine? Because that wouldn’t work; there was traffic. There’s always traffic around Dodger Stadium. When they built the place, they also built the traffic.

Were they selling merch?

See right there after Maybe they’ll clear the sample for me? Where it says #ad? Someone paid this asshole to drive down to Dodger Stadium, take some pictures in a tee-shirt, gave him some copy to throw up in the caption, and then patted himself on the back. “Yes! That’s some solid online marketing,” the sad little bastard said to himself after closing the deal. The rest of the office was impressed.

“You landed Nerdsworth?”

“Yup!”

“Wow. That’s huge.”

“I’m shaking! Look at my hand.”

And so on.

But I don’t even think they’re selling mech. Look at this bullshit:

If they were selling the merch, then you’d be able to see the shirt. When you sign up for one of these deals, the clients are rather particular about little things like “showing the product.” Dead & Company actually hired these assholes to advertise their Dodger Stadium show–again–as it was happening. It’s nice that the league remains so bush even after so many of the players have changed.

(I’m sure this guy’s a Deadhead, though. All real ‘heads call the band “acid rock legends” whenever they get a chance.)

There’s more bullshit to look at!

LAST NIGHT. DEAD & COMPANY PAID TO ADVERTISE AN EVENT THAT HAD ALREADY TAKEN PLACE. It’s just fucking humiliating being associated with these people at this point.

Oh, and:

“Bob, you got Nerdsworth, right?”

“He is locked down. Sent him the names of a couple Dead songs to work into the caption. We’re a ‘go’ on Nerdsworth.”

“And Parker York Smith is in.”

“Hardest working man in Influencing. You think we need one more?”

“We need one more.”

“Let’s see…we got a white guy and a black guy, so–”

“Asian hottie!”

“–we should call…you took the words right out of my mouth.”

And so on.

#sponsored

• I’m not even going to begin to get into “I wish I lived in the 60’s.” I wish you lived in the 60’s, too, Parker. And that you had a low draft number.