“All right, all right, let’s all settle. Y’all settle down now. F’r ev’ryone who don’t know me, mah name is Jefferson Beauregard Keebler Sesssions, an’ Ah’m gonna be y’all’s Nick Fury. But you know: the ol‘ Nick Fury. Not th’ Affirmative Action one. We gonna do ourselves a little roll call an’ get t’ know each other. Where’s our big man? Where’s Captain America?”
“Right here, sir!”
“Oh, goodie. I like your uniform. But, well, them fellas over at Disney got a whiff o’ what we was doin’ an’ they sent ’bout eve’ry one o’ their Jew lawyers over here, an’ we gonna have to come up with a new name f’r you. Ah was thinkin’ General America. That way, you outrank him.”
“Excellent thinking, sir.”
“Go down to wardrobe and have ’em change up y’r outfit.”
“What were you thinking, sir?”
“Mebbe one o’ them Nudie suits that Porter Wagoner used to wear.”
“With flags and Bibles all over it?”
“General America, you get on up outta mah mind!”
“Hail Victory!”
“Oh, absolutely.”
LARGE MAN WITH SHIELD LEAVING THE ROOM NOISE
“Who all is next?”
“Me, sir!”
“And y’all are?”
“They call me Turban Puncher! I see a Muslim? PUNCHED! A Sikh? PUNCHED! Gloria Swanson? PUNCHED!”
“Oh, that’s just heavenly.”
“I can kick them, too.”
“Oh, sure. Do that, yeah. Mix it up. Wouldn’t want you boys to get bored out there. What about you in the fetching suit?”
“I’m the Respectable Homosexual, sir.”
“Mm.”
“I tell you what, Attorney General: I like it when businesses refuse me service because of my sexuality. It tells me where not to spend my money, and then the Free Market takes care of it.”
“Uh-huh. Why did you capitalize Free Market?”
“That’s me, sir. They call the Free Market. Me and Respectable Homosexual are partners.”
ROOMFUL OF ASSHOLES BECOMING SILENT NOISE
“Well, not that kind of partners. You see, the Free Market is completely neutral, which means heterosexual.”
ROOMFUL OF ASSHOLES CHUCKLING AND NODDING NOISE
“An’ what do you do?”
“I’m gonna fix everything.”
“Do ya?”
“I’m gonna. Real soon, I’m gonna fix all the problems that I myself created.”
“You might be helpful. How about you in th’ back? The pretty lady in th’ nice dress.”
“I call the police on black people.”
“Oh, Ah am in favor of that. But this is about religious anxiety, not economic anxiety. Wink wink, nudge nudge.”
“I know, sir. But I always invoke the Lord when I call 911. ‘Jesus Christ, the darkies are barbecuing!’ That sort of thing.”
“We’ll workshop it. How ’bout you?”
“My name is The Victim!”
“Mm-hmm. Innerestin’. What’s your superpower?”
“Despite being the majority of the country and government being Christian, I still believe deeply that we’re being persecuted daily.”
“Mah word, that is a superpower.”
“I also believe that the government is deeply incompetent, but also on the verge of declaring martial law and confiscating my guns.”
“How?”
“I don’t know! I just do! And I’m loud as hell about it!”
“Well, good f’r you. You gonna be handy ’round here. Okay, let’s finish up. How ’bout you in th’ collar?”
“I’m the Dog Whistler!”
“What do you do?”
“Nothing. Why, you think I said I did something? All I did was talk about the caravans of disease-ridden illegal immigrants invading our country and changing our culture. If you interpreted that to be racist…well, that’s on you.”
“Mah stars, that was beautiful.”
“You should hear all the ways I can deniably call someone a kike.”
“Ah think you mah new favorite Dog Whistler. All right, all hands in. Not you, Respectable Homosexual. No offense.”
“I’m used to it. It’s what I deserve.”
“‘Merica on three. One, two, three.”
“MERICA!”
Recent Comments