“…and then I realize how many other places on the human body were ripe for watchery. There’s your ankles, your neck. Dong watch. Pocket watch attached to a butt plug, or a nipple piercing. Beard watch. So many possibilities and ways to spend money. Did you know–”
CELL PHONE NOISE
‘–that in Chinese, the symbol for watch is also the symbol for opportunity?”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“I have to take this.”
…
“Please hold for Taylor Swift.”
“Goddammit.”
“John?”
“How did you get this–”
“John, shut the fuck up or I’ll drive to where you are and RUN YOU THE FUCK OVER, you little BALLSUCKING SHITSTAIN.”
“–number?”
…
“You’ve changed.”
“FUCK YOU, FUCKHOLE! You need to sit those NEARLY-DEAD COCKPUDDLES YOU’RE BUTTFUCKING down and tell them WHAT’S FUCKING WHAT, you pigeon-toed HAIRCUT WITH AN ERECTION!”
“The Dead?”
“WHO DO YOU THINK, ASSMOUTH? I need to date a Grateful Dead.”
“But they’re not cute, and they smell.”
“Y’know what’s gonna smell? When I SHIT IN YOUR ASS, and then make you SHIT MY SHIT, and THEN FEED YOU MY SHIT THAT YOU SHIT, YOU SHIT! My Q rating SUCKS thanks to that MELTED BARBIE OF AN ARMENIAN WHORE and you will help me out of this or YOU WILL DIE AT MY MANICURED HAND.”
“Okay, okay!”
…
“I didn’t know you had a horse.”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FIX THIS!”
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