Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: Pigpen (Page 2 of 20)

And Featuring Bobby’s Serial Killer Glasses

April 6, 2019 / / 7 Comments

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“Freezin’! Got t’ get back t’ California where the ol’ Pig c’n roast in the sunshine! You c’n put an apple in my mouth f’r all I care! Jus’ gimme some more fahrenheits, man.”

Is this Europe?

“Looks it.”

What did you think of Europe?

“Ain’t for me! Everything’s all wrong here. Can’t find a Mr. Pibb to save my life!”

I don’t think they had Mr. Pibb in Europe in 1972.

“Or ribs! The ol’ Pig had hisself a hankering for a rack o’ babybacks, but no can do. Didn’t matter which country we was in, I’d ask and the waiter’d look at me funny! Sometimes, they’d say somethin’ in European. Now, the ol’ Pig only speaks American like a good Christian, but I got the gist! These garcons was not being complimentary!”

Barbecue is kind of an American thing, Pig.

“Then fry a man up a chicken! Gimme somethin’ I can eat! Suckers kept tryin’ t’ get me t’ order organ meat. Whole continent o’ people thinkin’ a pancreas is lunch! No wonder they lost the Big One! Wasn’t fed right!”

You got a point.

“I could have all the points in th’ world. Still won’t get me a decent cheeseburger over here.”

True.

Best Pig

February 25, 2019 / / 4 Comments

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“I’m jus’ singin’ my blues.”

What do you have the blues about?

“You name it! The ol’ Pig’s got all kinds o’ troubles! Mostly havin’ t’ do with the subject o’ womens!”

Can’t find a girl?

“No, the problem is that I can! My rap is too damn strong!”

It’s a good rap.

“You know it is, but it gotta be deployed real judicious-like. Otherwise, you got womens all over town, all of ’em expecting your juices! A man can get all squoze out that way, you know?”

I do, Pig.

“Who’m I foolin’? The ol’ Pig got hisself some Cadillac problems. Kids starvin’ in China and whatnot.”

Good to keep some perspective.

“I do! Funniest thing, tho…”

What?

“Goddamn, I still got the blues!”

God bless you, Pig.

“I’m sure he will, when He gets around to it.”

We Can All Agree That…

February 23, 2019 / / 0 Comments

…Mustache Garcia is the worst Garcia. Sweatpants Garcia was the saddest Garcia, and Clean-Shaven Garcia was the most unsettling Garcia, but Mustache Garcia was awful in every way.

…Billy’s beginner’s paunch is adorable.

…No favors are done by Ramrod’s hair. Grow that shit out, Ramrod. You look like one of those naked holy babies in the Sistine Chapel

A Guiro Ain’t Nothin’ But A Sandwich

December 22, 2018 / / 4 Comments

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“Aw, they got me scrapin’ on this here ethnic object while they play all that boodle-doodle music.”

Dark Star?

“I got no idea! The number with one chord and all th’ lyrics ’bout bein’ a druggie and whatnot.”

Yeah, that’s Dark Star.

“Can’t make heads nor tails o’ them words! You ask the ol’ Pig, songs should be about gettin’ it on!”

Sure.

“Stickin’ it in!”

Okay.

“I sang me a tune the other night ’bout a woman with a big ass who made poor decisions!”

Which one was that?

“All of ’em! Ain’t no one wants to hear no diamonds refractivatin’ and all that hoodoo! ‘Lady in velvet.’ Who the fuck wants that? Take that velvet off and let the ol’ Pig get sloppy with them titties! Now there’s a song!”

Can’t argue, Pig. Got any plans for Christmas?

“Gonna find me a dark-hued lass and jingle her bells jus’ a little.”

Merry Christmas, buddy.

“And happy Jew-Christmas to you!”

Amen.

Trayf

December 2, 2018 / / 4 Comments

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“I’m playin’ the harmonica f’r Hanukkah!”

That’s very multicultural of you.

“The ol’ Pig counts among his friends those of ev’ry religious persuasion and also some folks what can’t make up their mind.”

You’re no bigot.

“Hell, no! I takes ’em as they come! Met some real decent Jews, met some lousy ones! One stole all my damn money!”

Yeah, sorry about that.

“But a diff’rent one shared her wine with me, and we got t’ hootin’ and hollerin’ t’gether!”

That sounds nice.

“That girl straightened out the ol’ Pig’s curly little tail, heh heh.”

So your lesson is to judge people as individuals?

“That’s it! ‘Less they’re cops. You can pre-judge th’ hell out of a cop!”

You always get it right, buddy.

“That’s what they all tell me!”

Them Duke Boys

November 18, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“Aw, you know the ol’ Pig. Drinkin’ my wine an’ singin’ the blues!”

Sure.

“Don’t got too much t’ be blue about, tho! Got me a free shirt.”

You’re at Duke, huh?

“Harvard o’ North Carolina! That’s what ev’rybody keeps tellin’ me, anyway. I don’t know too much ’bout that. The ol’ Pig never did take too well t’ school.”

Weren’t much of a student, huh?

“Couldn’t see no need for most of it! Brought me down, man! I go to history class, an’ the lady’s tellin’ me all about Napoleon. I got my own problems! Let Napoleon take came o’ hisself! Wouldn’t mind meetin’ that Josephine chick, tho. Heh heh.”

She was something.

“My math teacher tried t’ tell me that Pythagoras got a theory! I told that ol’ teacher that I got a plenty o’ theories, but I don’t bother teenagers with ’em!”

Good point.

“Only one I liked was Miss Worthy. Taught me Second Grade. Fine woman! I would show up early jus’ to bang out her erasers!”

You had a little crush on her?

“Yes, I did! So I gave her my rap!”

Did it work?

“It most certainly did not!”

Can’t win ’em all.

“No, but I show up f’r every game!”

You’re the MVP, buddy.

“Most Valuable Pig, yes I am.”

The Second Great Quintet (Which Was Also The First)

October 3, 2018 / / 7 Comments

From 2/18/71, when Mickey left the band, to 10/19/71, when Keith made his debut, there were not enough Grateful Deads. I mean, really: this is absurd. We need at least two or three more musician, not to mention the fact that this is nowhere near the proper amount of amps. We have here a normal, human amount of amps; that’s not the Dead’s way of doing things. There are also no random naked children wandering around the stage.

It’s just a mess.

73: Great Year

September 8, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Happy birthday, Pig.

“Day came around again, dinnit?”

It did. How you celebrating?

“Oh, you know the ol’ Pig. Same as always. Got me a negress that likes to tussle. Couple packs of smokes. Gallon of wine spo-dee-o-do.”

What the hell does that mean?

“Ain’t got the foggiest! Heard a black guy say it an’ thought it sounded cool! Course, that’s the explanation f’r most of what I say.”

True.

“The ol’ Pig don’t tell no lies!”

Also true. What was your best birthday?

“Well, one year when I was just a l’il Piglet, my folks came through with a brand new bicycle. Bright red like Superman’s cape an’ called a Huffy Daytona. Had a headlight on the front fender and get this: the bike powered the light. L’il doohickey goes up against the wheel and that spins around like a dynamo. Make your own juice!”

That’s a good birthday.

“Wasn’t th’ best, though. ’67. That one was th’ best of all.”

What was so special about 1967?

“Only year we ever had a show that day. Better th’n a cake!”

Yes, it is. Happy birthday, Pig.

“Awful nice o’ ya, but the ol’ Pig got some candles t’ blow out, if y’know what I mean.”

I do.

La Porcherie

May 24, 2018 / / 6 Comments

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“Takin’ in the scenery! Foxes abound!”

Isn’t that your girlfriend right behind you?

“She knows the score! The ol’ Pig gets t’ look, and she gets t’ take me home at the end o’ the night!”

Seems fair.

“Fair as any fox is gonna get in 1967, anyway.”

You are well and truly in the past, Pig.

“Don’t I know it! You see Jackie Kennedy back there?”

I do.

“That ain’t no costume, brother! Chicks dressed like that all the time! I mean, not the chicks I made it with, but you know that the ol’ Pig is sayin’.”

This is Montreal, right?

“What they named the ball team after! Like a World’s Fair, but named different.”

Your first time in Canada?

“Jus’ about the ol’ Pig’s first time anywhere! Wasn’t f’r the Dead, I never woulda left California!”

Why not?

“California got wine?”

It does.

“California got foxes?”

Yes.

“Then I guess I got everything I need, don’t I?”

You’re never wrong.

“Nah. The ol’ Pig’s wrong all the time, but I does it with style!”

Yup.

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