Tag: pope francis (Page 1 of 5)

Hey, Your Holiness. Whatcha doing?

“Da usual. Prayin’. Wearin’ da fancy clothes. Pope stuff.”

But no mask.

“No, no. No mask for-a da Pope.”

You’re like the opposite of Batman.

“Si, si. Take-a da vow of poverty. Drive-a da Fiat. And-a no punching clowns.”

You don’t have any nemeses at all.

“Eh, dunno ’bout dat. I got-a da enemy.”

Benedict?

“Dat-a guy. Now he won’t stop-a wit’ da Borat. Every ten minutes Mah wiiiiiife. Mah wiiiiife. Benedict ain’t got-a no wife! Trust-a me on-a dat one.”

Wait. Did you come out in favor of civil unions between gay partners just to annoy Pope Benedict?

…

…

…

“Noooooooo.”

No?

“Maaaaaaaybe.”

You really are my favorite Pope ever. Except for the one who dug up his predecessor and put him on trial.

“The ol’ Cadaver Synod. You can-a no get away wit’ dat no more. Times they did-a change.”

Can Popes be impeached?

“If-a you dig up bodies and-a put dem on trial? Should be!”

Can’t be pulling that kind of crap any more.

“No, no. Is-a bad for-a da brand.”

Right as usual. Still, Your Holiness, I’d like to see you wear a mask. You’re 83.

“People wanna see-a da Pope face. Besides, I got-a da weapon up-a da sleeve of my cassock.”

Jesus?

“No, no. Everyone who comes-a anywhere near-a me is tested within an inch of-a their lives.”

Good plan.

“I’m-a da good Pope.”

Keep the faith, Your Holiness.

“I couldn’t lose it if-a I tried.”

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a tryin’ not to cry. Is-a sad. Look at all-a this. Should be all-a full with-a da people. They-a come together to love-a da Jesus with me, but not no more. Is-a breakin’ my heart.”

Ah, man. I’m sorry, Your Holiness. How does the Pope deal with sorrow?

“I-a pray.”

Sure.

“And I eat-a da ice cream. When-a dis is all over, there’s gonna be a roly-poly Pope.”

We’ve all been stress-eating. What’s your favorite flavor?

“I like-a da Death By Chocolate, but I can-a only eat vanilla.”

Why?

“All-a my clothes is-a white.”

I guess.

“I’m gonna have to let-a my cassock out a little.”

Are you following the doctor’s recommendations, Your Holiness?

“Si, si. Am-a self-isolating. Between-a you and me? Not-a that tough to do when you live in-a da Vatican. One bedroom apartment? Very difficult. You go-a da stir crazy. But I got a whole country here. Is-a no bad.”

Is it really just you in there?

“No, no. Benedict is-a here, too. Can I make-a da confession to you?”

I don’t know if that’s how it works, Your Holiness.

“Which one of us is-a da Pope?’

You.

“Then don’t-a tell me how da rules go. I know-a da rules. I make-a da confession. You ready?”

I am ready, my son.

“Dont-a get cute.”

Sorry. You clearly have something you want to get off your chest. You can absolutely share it with me.

“Grazi, grazi. Here is-a my confession: If-a da corona don’t kill him, I will.”

Benedict?

“Si, si. He’s-a drivin’ me nuts. Every day he got-a da new theory. On Monday, he say that da Chinese do it. On Tuesday, he say that da Chinese was-a framed by-a da Knights Templar. On Wednesday, he say that there ain’t no Chinese. So I says to him If there ain’t-a no China, then how come there’s spare ribs in-a da fridge? And you know-a what he says?”

What?

“He said he eat-a da spare ribs!”

Oh, he’s the worst.

“I was-a lookin’ forward to those! Put-a my name on-a da tupperware and-a everything.”

I’m sorry, Your Holiness.

“Grazi, grazi. And he has-a da guests!”

Pope Benedict is having guests during self-isolation?

“Si, si. His-a whole clique. They all…how you say…bitchy little twinks? Is-a this right?”

Yeah, I think that’s the right phrase.

“They drink-a da quarantinis and yell at-a da teevee. They watch-a that show where-a da men in dresses are mean to each other.”

RuPaul’s Drag Race.

“I no like-a that show.”

You’re not the demographic.

“No, no.”

You watch Tiger King?

“Hey, I’m-a da Pope, I’m not dead. Of course I watch-a da Joe Exotic.”

What did you think, Your Holiness?

“That guy needs-a da Jesus. I know I say that about everyone, but I-a mean it this time.”

Good call. Are there any Bible verses that you think would help us keep our spirits up right now, Pope Francis?

“Si, si. And is-a da short one, so you can-a remember easy. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

That was just exactly perfect.

“Si, si. Is-a from Galatians.”

Galatian? Wow, deep cut.

“I know-a two things: the Bible, and that-a da lady on the show fed her husband to-a da tigers.”

Bless you, Pope Francis.

“Bless us all, always, but-a especially now.”

Hey, Your Holiness. Whatcha doing?

“Is-a da publicity stunt. Can I be-a honest with you?”

Please.

“Is-a my least favorite part of-a da job. Praying? Si, si. Comfort-a da sick? Oh, si. I love-a to comfort da sick. I see a guy with-a da weird face, I hug-a da guy. You bring-a me da Elephant Man, I’m-a gonna wash his feet. Love-a to comfort da sick. But-a dis? Is-a no job for-a da Pope.”

Well, if it makes any difference, this is a Formula E car.

“I no-a know what dis is.”

They’re electric. You’ve made Climate Change a big part of your papacy, so this is right up your alley.

“Si? Is-a da big go-kart?”

Yup. Plug it right into the wall, then it does 200 miles an hour. Actually, it’s a European sport, so the car does 200 kilometers per hour. Or whatever.

“Da future is-a here, now.”

Amazing.

“And-a who drives?”

Oh, it’s still pretty guys from rich families.

“Is-a tradition. Soccer is for-a da people, but racing is-a only for some of da people.”

Twas ever thus.

“In-a Argentina, we race-a da horses. Big-a horse country.”

Did you ever ride, Your Holiness?

“No, no. Is-a tough to ride-a da horse in-a da cassock. Gotta sit side-saddle. Is-a no a good look.”

True. Weird question.

“I heard-a dem all.”

What kind of blessing do you say over a race car?

“Is-a no specific prayer in-a da Bible. Mostly, I just-a make up stuff in Latin. Talk about what’s-a for lunch, that sort-a da thing.”

And everyone’s happy afterwards.

“Si, si. Why-a not?”

Hey, Pope Francis. You got a dog.

“Si, si. Is-a da saint for-a da Pope.”

It’s a St. Bernard. I see what you did.

“I make-a da joke. Is-a da good dog. No jump on-a da cassock. Some-a dogs? They get-a da mud all over. Is-a no good if you wear-a white.”

All-white is a risky look, Your Holiness.

“Secret is-a da laundry stick. You rub a little, mess is-a all gone. I go through a dozen a week.”

Have you ever had a dog?

“No, no. Priests no have-a da dogs. Churches have-a cats, but priests no have-a da dogs. Can’t have-a no wife, can’t have-a no dog. Just-a da Jesus.”

Can’t play fetch with Jesus, though.

“No, no. Jesus, he don’t-a fetch. He take-a da walk with you, but he don’t-a fetch.”

Belly rubs?

“Don’t-a be rubbin’ on-a da Jesus belly.”

Is that blasphemy?

“If it ain’t, I don’t-a know what is.”

Sure.

“You know-a da blasphemy when you see-a da blasphemy.”

Makes sense. You said that churches have cats. Did any of the churches you live in have cats?

“Oh, si, si. There was-a Jesus. She was-a da feisty cat. And-a Jesus. He’s-a da cuddlebug, Jesus. And-a Jesus. He run away.”

Were all your cats named Jesus?

“Si.”

You love Jesus.

“He’s-a numero uno with me.”

Your Holiness, can pets go to heaven?

“If-a they good, si. If-a they bad, no. And-a they gotta be normal. Iguanas no go to heaven. No-a snakes, neither. Just-a da dogs and-a da cats. Maybe real expensive fish.”

Birds?

“I no like-a da birds.”

Me, either, Pope Francis. But they’re real smart and they get real attached to people.

“Birds are-a da maybe. We see on-a da case by case basis.”

Seems fair. What about sea monkeys?

“No. Is-a just brine shrimp.”

True.He

Hey, Pope Francis. New car?

“Si, si. I got-a da Lambo. Is-a nice. Gonna take it to-a da club. Make-a da valet park it out front. Gonna get-a da chicks.”

Your Holiness.

“I kid. You wanna get-a da chicks, you gotta drive-a da Ferrari.”

Your Holiness!

“I kid!”

You had me worried.

“I’m-a da silly goose today. Full-a da beans. I give-a da car to charity. Make-a da money for da bambinos. Feed-a da hungry.”

That sounds like you.

“Look at-a dis silly thing. Pope can-a no drive this.”

It’s off-brand.

“Si, si. And-a my big hat won’t-a fit.”

Maybe Lamborghini does a convertible.

“I’m-a set. Got-a da Popemobile. Is-a nice in there. Is-a roomy. Got-a da wifi, Sirius XM.”

Heated seat?

“Si, si. I have-a da driver turn it on before-a I get in. I get-a da toasty tush. Best part-a da day sometimes.”

Sure. You know, that sucker’s got a 5.7 liter V10 that puts out 500 horses.

“Good for-a da car.”

Not a gearhead, huh?

“No, no. Is-a nice to raise-a da money for charity, but I tell-a you something you already know.”

What’s that?

“This car is-a da sin.”

It is.

“Si, si. Is-a da middle finger to-a da poor. All-a those hours spent-a making it and-a for what? So some-a rich asshole can tell-a da world what a rich asshole he is. Forgive-a my language.”

You’re forgiven.

“That’s-a my line.”