Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: spider-man

You Know Why They Call Him “Spider-Man,” Right?*

May 8, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Now, Enthusiasts, you know how much TotD loves Spider-Face. He leaps about gaily and quips for justice; he roots for the Mets. I loved Spider-Man: Homecoming, and anxiously await the new big-screen installment of everyone’s favorite wall-slinger’s adventures.

But just look at this bullshit:

Did you see it, Enthusiasts? Did you see the bullshit? (And I’m not talking about how Kevin Smith now has that deflated look unique to those who have lost hundreds of pounds.) Didja see it?

14 minutes. 14 minutes of bearded yammer about a commercial. (The studios want you to call ’em trailers, but they’re just commercials.) 14 minutes, cats and kittens. This is what happens when you stop beating up nerds. The fuckers get ideas above their stations.

Exterminate them! Exterminate the doofs!

 

*Because he spides. You never seen a fucker spide like Peter Parker. He was born to do it, man.

Thoughts On The Sam Raimi Spider-Man Trilogy

February 1, 2019 / / 0 Comments
  • Some of you reading this have families, friends, careers, rich and rewarding social lives, hobbies, maybe you volunteer; you’re members of the community in good standing.
  • Suckers.
  • Live that way and you don’t have seven hours in the middle of the day to get high and rewatch Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy.
  • I am a sick man; I am a spiteful man; I am a weak man; join me!
  • Set fire to your family and join me.
  • We’ll entropize together.
  • Not a word, and I need you to be less weird.
  • I need you to be “fewer” weird.
  • Stop it and talk about the stupid-ass children’s movies, please.
  • The Raimi Trilogy (Spidey-Man, Spidey-Man 2: The One With Doc Ock, and Spidey-Man 3: Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off) are movies from, if not another universe entirely, a different era.
  • The style of the films, which came out in 2002, ’04, and ’07, is more in-line with 1978’s Superman than with the barrage of Marvel films that would follow.
  • Sadly, Marlon Brando does not appear via disembodied voice to mispronounce the word “Krypton.”
  • From scene to scene, the tone shifts from camp to corn; occasionally, like every second Willem Defoe is on the screen, these aesthetics mix; these are chipper movies.
  • They are also, as befitting the superhero genre, incredibly dumb.
  • Mind-meltingly, pulse-poundingly, neck-nibblingly dumb.
  • None of the villains have any good reason for fighting Spider-Man: two of them (Green Goblin in the first and Venom in the third) just hate him because they’re eeeeeeeeevil, and the other two (Doc Ock in 2 and Sandman in 3) keep running into Spidey accidentally.
  • A quick note on superhero/bad guy conventions: each hero gets his or her own rogue’s gallery, generally themed to match the hero’s abilities.
  • Except for Flash: he can run really fast, so his villains include a guy who throws boomerangs and a psychic gorilla.
  • Otherwise: themes.
  • Superman uses his physical powers to fight crime, so his bad guys are smart: Luthor and Brainiac.
  • Batman is a man with a code, so he gets agents of chaos like Joker and Riddler and Two-Face.
  • Iron Man’s enemies, to a man, can be found wearing stolen or reverse-engineered Stark technology, because Tony Stark is the cause of every single one of his own problems.
  • And as his powers are derived from the animal kingdom, so too are Spider-Man’s bad guys’.
  • There’s Doctor Octopus, and the Vulture, and the Scorpion, and the Man-Bat, and the Cobra, and The Lizard, and Rhino, and Chameleon, and Jackal, and Tarantula, and also quite a few goblins.
  • (Full disclosure: Spider-Man has also fought a guy who throws boomerangs. Which makes more sense, honestly. Spidey’s quick, but you could probably wang him with your ‘rang once or twice during a fight. Flash can run so fast he travels through time. There’s no reason some bogan who knows how to fancy-toss a stick should be able to fight the Flash.)
  • But the bad guys are the backups here: the Raimilogy is first a romance.
  • You are not correctly recalling how much Peter and Mary Jane bullshit there was in these three films.
  • James Franco wanders in and out of their love, but then he gets his face melted and Peter and MJ get married, maybe, I don’t remember.
  • So much longing.
  • So many shots of someone standing in a window, sadly.
  • Peter loves MJ, you see, but he also wants to be Spider-Man, so he dumps her four or five times.
  • I may or may not have entirely checked out of the kissy-kissy part of the trilogy halfway through the first flick, except for the scenes in which Kirsten Dunst was clearly not wearing a bra.
  • Nobody could not wear a bra like Kirsten Dunst.
  • (An aside, and then a note: to defend my indulgence of the Male Gaze, you will note that in the scenes I refer to, Ms. Dunst’s thingamabobs were so evident that it must have a conscious decision on the part of the filmmakers. She’s literally wearing a wet tee-shirt at one point. The note: these are some of the last tits in any Marvel movie. The men take their tops off in the MCU, not the women.)
  • If there is a fatal flaw with these movies, it is Tobey Maguire, and his face.
  • It is round and soft with blubbery lips, and he has eyes like cow vaginas, moist and rheumy.
  • And he speaks his lines like a simpleton.
  • He is not, admittedly, given much to work with: the dialogue is basic and consists mostly of characters declaiming to one another, and there are very few jokes.
  • Here, Spider-Man does not taunt his opponents while fighting them.
  • He just kinda mopes.
  • The Raimilogy follows the pattern established by the Godfather films: two excellent chapters, and then complete insanity.
  • One, in short: Peter gets bitten, Uncle Ben gets shot, Willem Defoe is all kooky and wackadoo, Mary Jane gets captured by the bad guy, and then dangled, punching!
  • Sam Raimi thought I wanted to spend a lot more time getting to know Uncle Ben and Aunt May than I actually did.
  • It should be noted that the Aunt May in these three films was the proper Aunt May.
  • Aunt May is a million years old.
  • Aunt May has always been a million years old.
  • I disagree with the new, hot Aunt May.
  • Aunt May is not an AILF, Kevin Feige.
  • Macy Gray is in the first film; she does not make a return appearance.
  • Two, in short: Doc Ock strikes, James Franco plays Hamlet, Willem Defoe shows up a couple times even though he’s dead, Mary Jane gets caprtured by the bad guy and then dangled, punching!
  • Just like in Superman II, Peter loses his powers.
  • Not to worry: he gets them back just in time for the third act.
  • Why?
  • And where did they go in the first place?
  • Those are great questions!
  • If we show you a scene of Jumping-Around Guy fighting Tentacle Man, will you stop asking those questions?
  • This installment features the best action of the three, and CG that still holds up 15 years later.
  • It was better than Black Panther, at the least.
  • And then there’s Spider-Man 3.
  • Oh, you poor thing.
  • Look what the bad men did to you.
  • Common movie nerd wisdom is that Raimi was screwed by the studio; they made him include Venom.
  • But no one made him include the jazz club scene.
  • Or Kirsten Dunst’s two musical numbers.
  • Two.
  • We are also treated to James Franco and Kirsten Dunst making omelettes while dancing about an enormous kitchen to the sound of Oldies but Goodies.
  • And Gwen Stacy, who does not die.
  • Which is absurd.
  • Gwen Stacy is the Chekhov’s Gun of the Spider-Man mythos.
  • You can’t introduce her and not chuck her off a building.
  • And the studio did not make Sam Raimi cast Topher Grace as Venom.
  • There was too much going on, and yet not enough; the movie is at once rococo and jejune.
  • Yeah, I called a Spider-Man movie “jejune,” what are you gonna do about it?
  • Next up: the Andrew Garfield years!
  • Oh, no.
  • Oh, yes!

More European Adventures For Spider-Man

January 15, 2019 / / 0 Comments

  • Swings in to save the day at the Brexit negotiations; all parties involved quickly realize that Peter has no background in international economics or law, and is of absolutely no use, but he gets off a couple good quips regarding Donald Tusk’s name.
  • Succumbs to seasonal depression in Oslo and hangs himself with his own webs.
  • Assigned to shadow a possible double-agent in Vienna, Peter discovers that his own organization may be full of moles; he’s all, “Wow, is this spy stuff? Like from those really old John Le Carre novels? I totally did not understand any of those,” and then it snows meaningfully.
  • This…

  • …but for two hours, and with spider-powers.
  • Repeatedly set on fire by Yellow Vest protesters in Paris.
  • Arrested in Berlin after using his right arm to estimate Thor’s height.
  • Peter runs into Electro in Seville, but it’s a coincidence; Electro is there on vacation and no conflict arises between the two.

Thoughts While Watching Venom

December 5, 2018 / / 1 Comment
  • Why?
  • Like, a million “whys” in a row, all lined up and in their spiffiest hats.
  • Why does this exist, why did I watch it, why is Tom Hardy talking like that, why does a merciful Lord allow such horror, all kinds of whys.
  • I wonder if the evil scientist bad guy will play God a bit too much and end up being taken over by a symbiote and then fight Venom in the third act?
  • Yup.
  • He will.
  • Aw, poor Michelle Williams.
  • You deserve better than Venom.
  • Greater tragedy in Michelle Williams’ life: Heath Ledger’s death or Venom?
  • Is there at least any good violence in this movie about a muckmonster biting off peoples’ heads?
  • [CHECKS RATING.]
  • [IT IS PG-13.]
  • Fuck.
  • Seriously, what is Tom Hardy doing and was there no one on set who could stop him?
  • I believe he is doing an imitation of Eric Roberts in Pope of Greenwich Village.
  • “DEY TOOK MY T’UMB, CHAHLIE!”
  • No one in New York still speaks that way, Tom Hardy.
  • And, besides, the movie is set in San Francisco.
  • (Which is the only non-embarrassing ingredient in the film. Tom Hardy goes walking through SF several times, and the city always looks beautiful. A bit hilly, but pretty.)
  • Oh, hey, it’s that guy.
  • Dan from Veep.
  • In Venom, his character is named…wait for it…Dan.
  • Which made it easier for me, honestly.
  • Although, I did keep waiting for him to unleash with some high-energy Armando Ianucci-flavored vulgarity, but he did not.
  • Just kinda said some exposition.
  • Good for him in getting into a big movie, though.
  • Venom should eat lawyers’ heads.
  • The only reason this movie exists is because lawyers are scum.
  • You know the whole Marvel/Sony bullshit, and if you don’t: you’re better off.
  • Shakespeare was right: first thing we do is kill all the lawyers.
  • Of course, Shakepeare put that line in the mouth of a character named “Dick the Butcher” and clearly intended it to be the plan of a villain.
  • Still, though: kill all the lawyers.
  • And then Venom and the similarly-powered bad guy punch one another while hanging onto a rocketship that is launched from ten yards off the San Francisco coast.
  • Which seems like poor placement for what is essentially a giant bomb.
  • Anyway, Venom wins because Tom Hardy’s lips are so plump and fuckable, and then Woody Harrelson shows up in a Little Orphan Annie wig.
  • You doubt me?
  • Those that doubt me, watch Venom by choice.
  • Woody will be playing the bad guy in the next film–assuming there is one–who is also a symbiote and is named…
  • Ravage?
  • Slaughterfingers?
  • Sliced Nipple Sandwich?
  • …
  • CARNAGE.
  • Right.
  • His name is “Carnage,” which is way less stupid than the names I came up with.
  • And that’s about it, Enthusiasts.
  • We must destroy Carnage.

Pack Up The Soapbox

November 12, 2018 / / 3 Comments

Stan Lee taught me how to read. Not personally. He didn’t come to the house with a hornbook or anything. But he wrote “With great power comes great responsibility,” and “Petey, eat your wheatcakes,” and “UNCLE BEN! NOOOOOOO!” and that was my very first education. Spider-Man comics. Alexander the Great had Aristotle as a tutor, but I had Peter Parker stashed in milk crates under my bed. My mother deciphered the squiggles for me, or maybe just underlined the words with her finger as she read them to me. The precisities of my mother’s pedagogical methods are not known to historians. Then Stan took over. He had words, oh such words. Zounds and forsooth and uncanny and hero and villain and neighborhood. Super fucking words, True Believer.

He wasn’t perfect–he was a vain, gullible, credit-stealing, gloryhound–but neither are you and you didn’t create the Fantastic Four. Or name the Hulk. And you certainly didn’t teach me to read. ‘Nuff said.

 

EDITOR’S NOTE: That’s Stan the Man in the monitor in the above page; this is from 1978’s Marvel Team-Up #74 and Spidey is “teaming up” with the Not Ready For Prime-Time Players while Stan hosts the show. I swear.

Marvel Team-Up, hereafter known as MTU, was Spidey’s second book. Until Wolverine showed up, Spidey was the most popular of the Marvel characters, and so he got two titles. Marvel used MTU to introduce new heroes or reintroduce forgotten ones, and workshop new bad guys. The guests varied wildly: sometimes Peter would run into Thor or the Black Panther, and other times he would fight Frankenstein’s Monster. I swear.

I need you to stop doubting me when I tell you that comic books are dumb. I feel like I offer you a piece of evidence, and you refuse it, even though I’ve proven myself correct time and time again while speaking on this particular subject. You must not take my word on medicine, or politics, or business, or love, but I am a goddamned expert in the subject of “How dumb superhero comics are.” Please stop resisting me on this. LISTEN TO ME, FUCKERS.

That escalated. Stop it immediately.

I can’t help it, man. I’m all about consent. And I want the Enthusiasts to consent to me. I need them to, really. How do I make them consent?

We’re going to have another HR meeting if you keep this up.

CONSENT TO ME, FUCKERS.

Just show the nice people what kind of pickle our friendly neighborhood wallcrawler has gotten himself into.

Okay.

They always left Spider-Man’s mask on when they shackled him to the spagmoidinizer.

I wasn’t kidding. Look at these scrubs Spidey has to deal with:

Points for “Tatterdemalion,” Marvel. That is a good word and an even better bad guy name. Points off for literally everything else. For God’s sake, the man has been an Avenger, and now he’s gotta hang out with poorly-drawn werewolfs in a sewer? Oh, and that character’s name isn’t “Werewolf,” it’s “Werewolf By Night,” which you shouldn’t think about too much, or at all. That’s not water. It’s effluvia. Spidey made out with Kirsten Dunst and Emma Stone, but now he’s up to his spider-balls in shit soup. It’s not right to do to a man.

At least that’s the last time Peter will have to deal with werewolfs.

I should have been more specific.

(Oh, the Man-Wolf? That’s J. Jonah Jameson’s son, John. John was an astronaut, and he went to the moon. While there, he saw a glowing rock and picked it up. The rock, naturally, turned him into a Man-Wolf. How many times do I have to tell you that comics are dumb?)

Anyway, back to the dead guy. Peter and Mary Jane Watson score tickets to Saturday Night Live, hosted by Stan Lee because Marvel Comics exists within Marvel comics. In the fictional universe that the heroes punch one another in, there is a company called Marvel that publishes comic books starring the heroes from that reality. There’s a Captain America comic book in the reality where Captain America’s real. In fact, Captain America once drew his own comic book. Don’t think about that.

Stan Lee does a monologue–he is drawn as elaborately coiffed, lean, and dapper–and makes several jokes about meeting with The Thing. It is at this point that one could begin pointing out logical inconsistencies like that tiresome fellow on YouTube who notices errors in films, but one could also remember that this is a story in which John Belushi sword-fights with a 7-foot samurai.

The issue’s not been reprinted since, due to rights bullshit, but I remember every panel. The hero was ineffectual and wouldn’t shut up, and the bad guy mostly paid the hero no mind anyway, and everyone learned a valuable lesson in the end, though no one could agree what it was. It was my kind of story. Thank you for writing it, Stan Lee.

He didn’t. Chris Claremont wrote it, Bob Hall did the pencils, and Marie Severin inked.

Excelsior!

You’re an asshole.

Donald Trump Responds To Back Issues Of The Amazing Spider-Man

September 7, 2016 / / 1 Comment
  • From the Depths of Defeat, Lee/Romita 1967 (“Obviously, I’ve always been in the lead because I’m going to win, but these polls today have me leading. And this is CNN, which is a disgusting network that might as well show porno movies. That’s how disgusting CNN is. Many people have forgotten that I have a young child, and he is not allowed to watch CNN. Just cartoons, and he is the best at watching cartoons. I no longer have time for cartoons or political correctness, but if I did, I would be better than my son at watching cartoons. Maybe someone should drop an anvil on Hillary Clinton?”
  • The Choice and the Challenge, DeFalco/Frenz 1985 (“The choice is life and death. Believe me, life and death. You got me, a successful businessman, very successful, and you have Crooked Hillary, who was the worst Secretary of State we’ve ever had. One we got now is no prize. Frankenstein. The guy’s got that head, y’know? Not great. He goes to Easter Island, they bury him. Terrible head. The challenge? Election’s most likely rigged. Gotta be honest! We’ll know if I don’t win. Look at the rallies I have with 20,000, 100,000 people, a million people. Crooked Hillary took two questions and hacked up a lung. Sick!”)
  • The Tarantula is a Very Deadly Beast, Conway/Andru 1975 (“Also deadly is cancer, which Hillary Clinton may have. Yesterday, she sits down. Sits right down, and none of the media covers that. Chair, boom. Not one story, and I have known many people with cancer and they all sit down. Not presidential, nothing about her. Face. Voice. Wherever. Was she exposed to chemicals when she was washing her computers in acid? Dying Hillary needs to release all of her e-mails, even the ones she destroyed. Why will Dying Hillary, who is dying, not release her e-mails that no longer exist?”)
  • Warfare on the Great White Way! Wein/Andru 1977 (“That’s what it seems like! Where are the jobs? Mexico, which I will also make great again, too. China, who laughs at us and treats Obama like a dog. And you know how they treat their dogs. Might as well have eaten him for all the respect they show him. No stairs for the plane. Gets to the hotel, they lost his reservation. Orders orange chicken, they bring him sweat-and-sour. No respect! When I’m president, I make China pay for my stairs. I’m gonna build a staircase, the most beautiful staircase you’ve ever seen, just tremendous, and China’s gonna pay for it. First day.”)
  • California Schemin’! Michelinie/McFarlane  1988 (“Scheming is a good word for it, what Hillary did with her phones. 520 phones, and 1,800 tablets. That’s how many devices she went through in two years. Were they burners? Hillary Clinton goes down to the bodega and buys burner phones, and then she has her Clinton Foundation assassinate people and start earthquakes. I have heard from many people that the Clinton Foundation is responsible for that earthquake in Italy.”)
  • Kraven the Hunter, Lee/Ditko 1964 (“Good way to describe Hillary. She is craven, and she hunts. Hunts for donations. Hunts for dictators to cozy up to, hunts for new ways to hurt the blacks, who I love now. I have always loved the blacks, but I just decided to start talking about it. Before this, the blacks could just sense my deep feelings for them. I wish they all weren’t in poverty, but they are, very poor the blacks. I will put the blacks to work on the wall, good work for them, very strong the blacks. The blacks build it, Mexico pays for it, border patrol stands on top of it shooting Muslims. Maybe the blacks could shoot the Muslims, whatever. Mexico pays.”)
  • In the Grip of the Goblin, Lee/Ditko 1971 (“Crooked Hillary is almost certainly a goblin, but drugs are the real goblin here. How do they get here? Across the border. Bad people, who I am going to stop, bring it. Heroin, very sad. Who’s selling it? The Mexicans who are not raping. That’s what they do! Rape, drugs, sleep. Rape, drugs, sleep. No job! Rape, drugs, sleep. Now, the crooked media is going to spin that like I said something bad. Some Mexicans, I assume, are not drug dealing rapists who don’t have jobs and are taking our jobs. Some. Most? Eh. Some.”)
  • Nothing Can Stop the Juggernaut! Stern/Romita Jr. 1982 (“I’m that! Me, juggernaut, sure. Florida, Texas, all of them. I might win all 50 states, that’s what a lot of people are predicting. New York goes for Trump, believe me. Not a landslide like the other states, but a good victory in New York. CNN has a poll that puts me up, and all the other polls are rigged against me. CNN’s polls used to be rigged against me, but they made them fair. Good job, honest. Polls are wrong because the media, who are the real racists, have made voter afraid that they’ll be called racist if they support me publicly. They point fingers–racist this, racist that–but no one can explain to me how banning all Muslims from the country is racist. Muslim is not a race! Neither is Mexican, and they’re also banned from the country.”)
  • Dead of Winter, Wells, Bachalo 2008 (“Cyber is a thing. Very big thing, and they’re getting in through the internet. Maybe I need to have Mexico build a wall for the internet, too. Mexico is like the eighth wonder of the world. Pyramids, Grand Canyon, Trump Tower, bunch of other stuff, Mexico. They’re doing great! Factories, jobs, zorros. Mexico’s got zorros everywhere now, and who’s paying for it? We are, when they sell us the drugs that pay for their zorros. We get the rapists, they get the zorros. Not a good deal!”)
  • Stegron Stalks the City, Wein/Andru 1977 (“So, cyber. Big, huge, cyber. ISIS, which was started by Obama and Hillary personally, loves the cyber. Twitter, they love that. I am the best at Twitter, but ISIS is getting very big. They they get likes, they get retweets, and they feel good about themselves, and they blow up a Dunkin Donuts. Where are they getting cell phones from? Soldiers used to have rifles, now they have cell phones. Where’d ISIS get cell phones? Did Hijab Hillary, who is also a Secret Muslim like the president, buy ISIS their phones at the same time she bought her burner phones? This is what we’re sending up against Putin?”)
  • To Prowl No More, Lee/Buscema 1969 (“Iran was very weak, but we made them strong. Used to be nothing, nothing. Couldn’t beat Saddam Hussein, very weak. Ten years! Saddam came in, he does the gas, boom boom boom, and where is Iran? Nowhere. In the dirt. Well, sand. And money, now. $400 million. Obama flew the plane himself, right over Teheran. Scattered cash out the window, and also weapons. Did Obama personally give the Iranians plutonium? Many people have said he did. That’s just psychology.”)

White, Wash

May 6, 2016 / / 0 Comments

A character’s race matters when it matters, and though that seems like a tautology because it is, let me explain what I’m talking about.

Marvel’s annoyed everyone with the casting of Tilda Swinton (the whitest woman alive) to play a character that had throughout his fifty-year history always been depicted as an Asian guy. It helped not at all when the screenwriter poked his head out of his hutch to offer truly foolish excuses about not wanting to offend China, and flailing out at “SJWs”. (I cannot stress this enough: never say SJW. It instantly turns you into a PTI (Person To Ignore).)

People have declared this Whitewashing, and many hashtags have been flung at the offense; one of them was interesting and caused this little screed. It was #johnchoas or #starringjohncho or #chomygod or something like that, and it Photoshopped John Cho into starring roles in Hollywood blockbusters.

Most of the films and roles were ones that John Cho would have been perfect for: he’s charismatic and handsome and funny and a movie star. Throw him in the gym for six months and teach him how to shoot and he can be Jason Bourne. He could have played any of the leads that go to Chris Pine or Ashton Kutcher in those formulaic romcoms, instead of the best friend.

But there is also an Avengers poster with him ‘shopped in as Captain America, and that part he could not play; this brings me to my point about casting (and obviously this is just for fictional characters being translated onto the screen. If you’re doing an experimental play, then cast who ever you want): in regards to the race and gender of a character, you need to ask whether these qualities are intrinsic in nature, or arbitrary.

Let’s take my favorite hero, Spider-Man. Since his first appearance in 1962, he’s been depicted as a white guy, and portrayed by white guys in the movies. Is this necessary? I would argue not: not a bit of Spidey’s character has anything to do with his race. Peter Parker is a lower-middle class kid from Forest Hills, Queens, with a brilliant scientific mind and the most powerful sense of humor in the Marvel Universe. He has an Aunt May, and he’s a photographer, and he likes redheads. Neither race nor gender inform his characterization.

The same could be said for most of the dopey white guys punching each other on the screen nowadays: you could make Tony Stark into Toni Stark and cast Aisha Tyler in the role (because Aisha Tyler should be cast in every role) and not have to change any of the dialogue. Bruce Banner is white, but he doesn’t have to be.

Certain characters, however, require actors of a certain ethnicity. Black Panther has to be black. Conversely, Black Widow has to be white. The Kingpin can be any color you want as long as he’s enormous; Daredevil has to be Irish-Catholic, or he’s not Daredevil anymore, just a blind guy doing karate in an alley. Luke Cage is a black guy, but Iron Fist (Jesus, that name) only needs to be a rich American kid.

Captain America has to be white, though, at least the Steve Rogers version: the U.S. Army–still a few years away from being desegregated by Truman–would not have picked anyone but a white boy to be their Super-Soldier. Nazism could only be fought with the blondest, blue-eyedest guy that Tommy Lee Jones could find.

(There was a comic called Truth a while ago that asked a good question: wouldn’t the Army have tested the Super-Soldier formula? And who do you think they would have tested it on?)

My vote for best color-blind superhero casting would be Denzel Washington as Batman, and as long as we’re in the realm of imagination: I’d cast Denzel twice. First, we use the Time Sheath to go back and get Denzel in his 30’s and have him be Action Batman and slap muggers around and stand on top of the Batmobile yelling at people. THEN, we get present-day Denzel and do Crazy Batman, where he’s old and broken and been driven insane by Gotham City, and ambles through town in broad daylight wearing Batarmor and firing wrist-rockets at pickpockets.

Thoughts On The Cap Trailer

March 11, 2016 / / 1 Comment

[embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKrVegVI0Us[/embedyt]

  • All movie trailers must start with slow piano plinking.
  • It’s the law now.
  • Anyway, sorry for the repost, but I’ve watched the new Cap trailer a dozen times today and don’t see why you shouldn’t, too.
  • I would say “spoiler alert” about Spider-Man showing up, but I refuse to live in a world where spoiler alerts are issued for trailers.
  • A trailer is not a safe space.
  • The story: Iron Man turns narc, and Cap’s all “Bucky’s my FRIEEEEENNNNND, man,” and then there is punching and Black Widow does crotch-fu.
  • They should probably just call these things Marvel Movie #1, Marvel Movie #2, etc. from now on.
  • Everyone is in it, except for the Hulk and Thor, because the Hulk is too powerful and expensive, and Thor was filming Ghostbusters.
  • They had better explain the Hulk’s absence, or I’m going to spend the entire movie telling “THROW THE HULK AT THE PROBLEM,” to the screen and I will surely be ejected from the theater, and rightly so.
  • Scarlet Witch uses her powers of CG on the Vision, and perhaps later they have a conversation about whose abilities have been more ill-defined.
  • (In the movies, that is, kinda. In the comics, Vision has a stupidly complicated backstory–he’s an android, but he’s got a brother or some nonsense–but his powers were clear: he could increase or decrease his mass, become transparent, and shoot ray beams out of his super-bindi. The Scarlet Witch, however, has always just waved her hands while the current writer made shit up.)
  • I would like to see if the Marvel movies follow the comic’s storyline regarding the Vision and the Scarlet Witch.
  • They get it on.
  • I guess he’s got a robot dick.
  • And they got married.
  • We’re a lot more tolerant than we used to be, but I don’t know if you can marry an android.
  • That’s not in my Bible.
  • The Falcon is also allowed to participate despite the fact that all he has is a piece of technology that by any reasonable view of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, should be available to a lot more people than just him.
  • The entirety of Falcon’s powers are his cool jetpack; if you steal if from him, do you get to be the Falcon?
  • Plus, in the big hero fight, he takes to the air to square off with War Machine.
  • First of all: racist.
  • Why do the black guys have to fight each other?
  • Second: these black guys should not fight; one is dramatically more lethal than the other one.
  • Falcon has fancy birdy-wings; War Machine has a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher: this is not a fair fight.
  • Speaking of War Machine, he is once again played by Don Cheadle, and Marvel would like us to believe that he dies.
  • I’ll just lay it out there: Marvel, if you kill Don Cheadle, I will burn your office down.
  • TotD loves some Don Cheadle.
  • There are no snipers in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, because all of Captain America’s team could be taken out from a safe distance.
  • Although, down that road of thought lies sad truth that destroys the fun of the whole endeavor: the proper response to superheros is not “more superheros” but an airstrike.
  • It has been scientifically proven in four or five movies now that Captain America cannot be killed via punching, but a Tomahawk missile would do it.
  • The Winter Soldier, also known as Bucky Barnes, may or may not be given a personality in this film; we’ll have to wait and see.
  • Or he may just be another Macguffin like those dopey Infinity Stones from the Avengers movies.
  • Within hours of this trailer going up this morning, there were dozens of “reaction” videos on the innertubes and I think the web needs some pruning.
  • And, yes, I realize that this is precisely the same thing, but mine’s better.
  • That’s it, I guess.
  • …
  • …
  • …
  • SPIDERMANILOVESPIDERMANGIMMEGIMMEHEHASWEBSANDEYES.
  • I’ll stop that now.
  • Love me some Spider-Man.
  • If Don Cheadle  played Spider-Man, I would take a dump in my pants.
  • I’d take a dump in everybody’s pants, man.
  • Fuck this new kid: make Spider-Man a 51-year-old skinny black guy.

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