Thoughts On The Cap Trailer

[embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKrVegVI0Us[/embedyt]

• All movie trailers must start with slow piano plinking.
• It’s the law now.
• Anyway, sorry for the repost, but I’ve watched the new Cap trailer a dozen times today and don’t see why you shouldn’t, too.
• I would say “spoiler alert” about Spider-Man showing up, but I refuse to live in a world where spoiler alerts are issued for trailers.
• A trailer is not a safe space.
• The story: Iron Man turns narc, and Cap’s all “Bucky’s my FRIEEEEENNNNND, man,” and then there is punching and Black Widow does crotch-fu.
• They should probably just call these things Marvel Movie #1, Marvel Movie #2, etc. from now on.
• Everyone is in it, except for the Hulk and Thor, because the Hulk is too powerful and expensive, and Thor was filming Ghostbusters.
• They had better explain the Hulk’s absence, or I’m going to spend the entire movie telling “THROW THE HULK AT THE PROBLEM,” to the screen and I will surely be ejected from the theater, and rightly so.
• Scarlet Witch uses her powers of CG on the Vision, and perhaps later they have a conversation about whose abilities have been more ill-defined.
• (In the movies, that is, kinda. In the comics, Vision has a stupidly complicated backstory–he’s an android, but he’s got a brother or some nonsense–but his powers were clear: he could increase or decrease his mass, become transparent, and shoot ray beams out of his super-bindi. The Scarlet Witch, however, has always just waved her hands while the current writer made shit up.)
• I would like to see if the Marvel movies follow the comic’s storyline regarding the Vision and the Scarlet Witch.
• They get it on.
• I guess he’s got a robot dick.
• And they got married.
• We’re a lot more tolerant than we used to be, but I don’t know if you can marry an android.
• That’s not in my Bible.
• The Falcon is also allowed to participate despite the fact that all he has is a piece of technology that by any reasonable view of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, should be available to a lot more people than just him.
• The entirety of Falcon’s powers are his cool jetpack; if you steal if from him, do you get to be the Falcon?
• Plus, in the big hero fight, he takes to the air to square off with War Machine.
• First of all: racist.
• Why do the black guys have to fight each other?
• Second: these black guys should not fight; one is dramatically more lethal than the other one.
• Falcon has fancy birdy-wings; War Machine has a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher: this is not a fair fight.
• Speaking of War Machine, he is once again played by Don Cheadle, and Marvel would like us to believe that he dies.
• I’ll just lay it out there: Marvel, if you kill Don Cheadle, I will burn your office down.
• TotD loves some Don Cheadle.
• There are no snipers in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, because all of Captain America’s team could be taken out from a safe distance.
• Although, down that road of thought lies sad truth that destroys the fun of the whole endeavor: the proper response to superheros is not “more superheros” but an airstrike.
• It has been scientifically proven in four or five movies now that Captain America cannot be killed via punching, but a Tomahawk missile would do it.
• The Winter Soldier, also known as Bucky Barnes, may or may not be given a personality in this film; we’ll have to wait and see.
• Or he may just be another Macguffin like those dopey Infinity Stones from the Avengers movies.
• Within hours of this trailer going up this morning, there were dozens of “reaction” videos on the innertubes and I think the web needs some pruning.
• And, yes, I realize that this is precisely the same thing, but mine’s better.
• That’s it, I guess.
• …
• …
• …
• SPIDERMANILOVESPIDERMANGIMMEGIMMEHEHASWEBSANDEYES.
• I’ll stop that now.
• Love me some Spider-Man.
• If Don Cheadle  played Spider-Man, I would take a dump in my pants.
• I’d take a dump in everybody’s pants, man.
• Fuck this new kid: make Spider-Man a 51-year-old skinny black guy.