“All right, all right, let’s come to order. I hope everyone got enough matcha and gluten-free bagels. Nancy Pelosi had them flown in special from San Francisco. Everyone thank Nancy.”
“Moisturize me.”
“Later, later. First off, let’s have a moment of silence for Phillip Roth. The nation mourns, except for the dummies in the middle. Oh, Phil! No one has cataloged the travails of the Baby Boomer Jew like you. Hey, maybe that should be our message for the Midterms?”
“Chuck?”
“I’m speaking, Dianne Feinstein.”
“I know, but I think maybe our message for the Midterms should be about women. There’s a young popular group out there now, and they have a saying. ‘Girl Power.’ Perhaps we could use that?”
“Maybe. Maybe. But is ‘Girl Power’ inclusive enough? I feel like it’s not doing enough to capture the white male demographic that hasn’t voted for us since Reagan but we keep chasing.”
“Hm. True.”
“Okay, back to the meeting. As always, we start with the same question: has anyone developed charisma since the last time we met?”
“Chuck, I have been told I’m very charismatic.”
“Kamala, you’re a different type of charisma than what we’re looking for. We need an Asgard kind of charisma. You’re more Wakanda.”
“Wow.”
“Any thoughts on my idea abut changing your name to Kim?”
“I’m against it.”
“Okay. Anyone else? Anyone suddenly grow a personality?”
DULL SILENCE NOISE
“Didn’t think so, but I had to ask. Okay, nu, what should we do about this Trump? He’s a gonif! We know this, but how do we get it through to the yokels? Joe Manchin?”
“I was thinking long and hard about this, Chuck. How about we do everything President Trump says, and also make abortion illegal?”
“Why do we let you sit with us?”
MAN ENTERING ROOM NOISE
“Sorry I’m late, everyone. I was on a hot date with my girlfriend.”
“Just stop it, Senator Booker.”
“She has big breasts that I like to touch with my hands and face.”
“You’re just embarrassing yourself, Cory.”
“I’m such a fan of her vagina.”
“Okay, sure. Whatever. Ladies and gentlemen, what are we going to do? The polls show our lead in the generic match-up dropping and it’s because we don’t have a message. What is our message?”
ROOMFUL OF HANDS GOING UP NOISE
“Besides ‘Trump is bad.'”
ROOMFUL OF HANDS GOING DOWN NOISE
“What are we for?”
“Senator Schumer, I demand the right to speak on behalf of the young people!”
“Bernie, what are you doing here? You’re not a Democrat.”
“No, but I am going to eat your bagels, fuck up your meeting, and then leave more popular than I was when I came in.”
“Sounds right.”
“I have one word for everyone.”
“What?”
“Collectivization of the farms.”
“That’s four words.”
“Not in the original Russian.”
“Get out! Out!”
“This meeting is rigged against me.”
“It’s our meeting! We make the rules!”
“First up against the wall, comrade.”
“What?”
“Nothing, nothing.”
“Chuck?”
“Yes, Tim Kaine?”
“Oh, thank you for remembering my name.”
“Jesus, just get on with it.”
“Literally everyone has forgotten I existed. My Wikipedia page is a stub.”
“Did you have any suggestions?”
“Yes. I brought my harmonica.”
“No. No more harmonica.”
“Senator Schumer, I rise to speak. As the first African-American woman to run for president, I have a unique perspective on the current situation that no one else in this room does.”
“And you’ve been dead since 2005, Shirley Chisholm. Get out of here.”
“This is racism.”
“It’s not racist because you’re a ghost.”
“That’s not a rule!”
“Senator Schumer, I would like to, uhhhh, make a statement now. If I may.”
GLORIOUS FANFARE NOISE
“Oh, God, President Obama! Thank you! Are you here to help us?”
“No. I’m, uhhhhh, a Hollywood big shot now. Big deal with Netflix. I’m here to laugh at all of you and, uhhhh, remind you that without me, you’re nothing.”
“That is so petty.”
“And grab a couple bagels.”
“Help yourself.”
It has been kooks and crooks vs phonies for the last 30 years.
kooks and crooks are winning.
Catcher in the Rye may not be as popular as Atlas Shrugged, somehow though the anti-phony message has gotten to the American people.
More like 50.