Hey, Jeff Chimenti. Whatcha doing?

“Pouting.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“I have feelings, too.”

I don’t even know where you got it in your head that you would be invited to the royal wedding.

“Is it because I’m Italian?”

No. Well, maybe.

“I mean, I couldn’t have gone because of Dead & Company rehearsal, but it would have been nice to have been asked.”

Do you even know these people?

“Dude. Maggie Marker?”

Meghan Markle.

“Huge Deadhead.”

Really?

“Like Walton, but with fewer knee surgeries. I’ve met her a bunch of times. She used to follow Ratdog.”

Wow, that is dedicated.

“Right? And then: nothing. Like we’re just the hired help.”

Um…

“Yes, I know that me and Oteil are literally the hired help, but it still hurts.”

Don’t know what to tell you. Maybe they’ll hit one of the shows for their honeymoon.

“You think?”

Oh, yeah. Probably Camden. It’s royal tradition to honeymoon in Camden, New Jersey.

“You’re a dick.”

You’re delusional.

“Kiss my grits.”

Jeff?

“What?”

Where’s Josh?

“We’ve actually been wondering that ourselves.”

Huh.