Hey, Putin. Whatcha doing?

“Am trying on Halloveen costume.”

No, you’re not.

“Is true. Putin love Halloveen. Putin is Heidi Klum of Russia. Go all out.”

Wait, hold on.

I thought so.

“Is fake news. Russians love Halloveen. Vait up all night for Great Cabbage. Is like Great Pumpkin, but sadder.”

You are in a hazmat suit because Russia is absolutely exploding right now with coronavirus, and you’re lying about it because…well, because that’s what you do.

“In some vays, Putin very predictable.”

How bad is it over there?

“Nyet bad at all. Is Mostly is dissidents and journalists who die.”

Dissidents and journalists are dying from coronavirus?

“They die. Leave at that.”

You’re terrible.

“Da.”

Seriously, what are you doing over there?

“Ve live amongst the dead. Is Russia. Is vhat ve do. The foot of history is on the Russian’s neck.”

God, you people are strange.

“And healthy. Is no decadent Western virus in Mother Russia. Maybe is in Finland.”

You’ve already had deaths in Moscow.

“Is always people dying in Moscow. Is vhy city vas built. Tsar needed place to live, serfs needed place to die. Is vhat they do.”

Please help your people rather than playing your little evil games.

“Putin do vhat Putin vant.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Must take this. Might be Steven Seagal.”

That guy loves you.

“Da.”

…

“What’s shootin’? It’s Putin.”

“Mr. Pooter? This is J–”


“Is Joe Exotic! Putin is big fan! Recognize voice anyvhere!”

“Well, what a delightful greeting! That makes me feel so good all over.”

“You can nyet be this gay on phone vith Putin. Is nyet acceptable.”

“Mr. Pooter, I am who I am! I am gay, heavily-armed, positively riddled with venereal disease, partial to bolo ties, and in awe of the power of Jesus Christ. And I can’t be anythin’ else. That’s me. That’s Joseph Exotic Passage-Maldonado-Godchaux-McKay.”

“You are trip. Putin love. You vant zoo?”

“I want a heavenly zoo, Mr. Pooter, where all my cats can roam around, and the kids can see ’em, and I can sell sex aids with my face on ’em in the gift shop.”

“Putin build zoo for Joe Exotic. Vhen can you be in Moscow? Maybe vait a few months.”

“Well, currently I’m a bit tied up. I’m in jail.”

“Putin make call.”

“Yippee!”

“Nyet say ‘yippee’ ever again.”

“Yes, sir.”