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SLICE YOUR FACE OFF WITH A PENKNIFE

To paraphrase Stalin: No face, no problem. Removing your face completely eliminates your ability to touch your face, and–added bonus–helps you maintain your six-foot Health Radius. People will give you your space!

TOUCH SOMEONE ELSE’S FACE

See that lady over there? Go rub your greasy mitts all over her punim. Jam your fingers up her nose, whatever.

CHASTITY BELT, BUT FOR YOUR FACE

The safe word is “epidemiology.”

BUY A CHIMPANZEE, WAIT

There is literally no way to put your hands on your face after a chimp gets done with you. Do not google it.