The Newest Trend In Fashion Is: Forestcore

What a puffy coat.

“It’s Visvim, thank you. Spring ’14 line. This is the Heavy Puffed Jacket, also known as the Nano Morgante. It was named after Cosimo de Medici’s favorite dwarf.”

It looks exactly like the jackets my mom used to buy me every winter from the Burlington Coat Factory.

“No, this is better.”

How so?

“It cost three grand.”

Uh-huh. I noticed you’ve been awful quiet since Jessica Simpson’s book came out.

“Literally everyone has advised me to do so. Even Bob Saget said I shouldn’t say anything, and he thinks dick jokes are the answer to everything.”

All of these people are your friends. Listen to them.

“Yeah, there’s no way to help myself here except by excusing myself from the conversation.”

She talked some serious shit about you, broham.

“I’m not engaging.”

Said you were a dick about grammar.

“Well, you should see how the woman writes. If a pigeon tap-danced on a keyboard, you’d get fewer misspellings. She’s dumber than Daryl Hannah.”

You take that back.

“Shan’t.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I hate you so much.”

Hey, you wanna talk shit about Madison the Mermaid, you face the consequences.

…

“You”re on with John.”

“Hey, bitch. I’m back. We gonna get freaky.”

“I’m not doing this anymore, Miles. You broke my heart, and then you murdered me.”

“The Cos got some shit gonna help you forget all that.”

“I am not partying with you and Bill Cosby.”

“Fleezum flozzum rape!”

“Bitch, you made The Cos mad.”

“Hanging up and changing my number.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“Pardon me.”

Mm-hmm?

“Did you have to bring Miles back? He’s a monster.”

Sure, but the Enthusiasts love him. Very popular character.

“Dick.”