I thought you were fucking off for the territories.
“New plan. Also, Post Malone stole my Land Rover.”
I thought you called him Posty.
“We’re not friends anymore.”
I’m sorry for your loss. So, what’s your new strategy for dealing with the pandemic?
“Promise you won’t get mad.”
I NEVER SHOULD’VE GIVEN THE GRATEFUL FUCKING DEAD A TIME SHEATH!
“It is kinda your fault. You may as well have given a tribe of chimps a loaded AK47.”
When are you?
“January of 2020.”
Why then?
“It was a good month for me. Lot of happy memories. I don’t think I had one conversation with a non-famous person in January of 2020. Great month.”
Jesus.
“Hey, I just realized something. If I was exposed to the ronus in August of 2020 before coming to January, then I might be the Patient Zero for Los Angeles. It’s like the Grandfather Paradox.”
I will absolutely write that plot device out of existence if you dildoheads don’t stop infecting the timestream because you’re bored.
“Oh, please. You love the Time Sheath more than we do.”
I do. It’s fun. Is that Hailee Steinfeld?
“She’s 23.”
Not what I asked. And creepy that you went there.
“Just wanted the fact on the table. That’s a fact that’s earned its place on the table. Have an extra setting laid for that fact.”
Stop it. She was so good in True Grit.
“She was not LaBeouf.”
I see what you did there.
“It was fun. Don’t you like it better when we get along than when you’re cruel to me for no reason?”
CELL PHONE NOISE
There’s a reason.
“You’re still pissed about the Time Sheath?”
Yeah, man. Just stay in one of your giant mansions, or your Brooklyn triplex, or your ranch. Stop bopping around the timestream.
“It’s only a duplex.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
Pick up the phone or I turn your head inside-out again.
“Dick.”
…
“You’re on with John.”
“Mr. Brown gonna GET UP ON YOU ALL OVER yeah all right.
“What?”
“Oh.”
“Lumpy eggs.”
“Seriously, how did anyone who loves you allow you to do an interview in this condition?”
“I got a mini-scarf. I’m the Black Mr. Furley!”
“It’s a nice scarf.”
“My wife made it for me. She got gypsy blood.”
“Okay.”
“They call me the King of Soup.”
“Can you give me a moment?”
“I’ll give you lumpy eggs.”
“Great.”
…
“Hey. Dick.”
Yyyyyyeeeeeeeesssss?
“Why do I constantly have to interact with maniacs?”
The Enthusiasts demand it.
“Fuck ’em.”
I’ve been saying that for years! But they’re insistent, and some of them send me drugs and cash. Hey, I tell you what: You send me drugs and cash, and you can stop having conversations with despots and dopers.
“That’s extortion. What you’re proposing is the dictionary definition of extortion. It’s against the law.”
FORMER TEEN HEARTTHROB’S HEAD BEING TURNED INSIDE-OUT AND THEN BACK NOISE
I am the law.
“I hate this stupid universe.”
This universe has been pretty hard on young Josh.
Last positive event he had was saving Katy from some crazed doctor or something, multiple parts, involved the Earth Roamer vehicle.
Also,
You know the guy who yelled Dark Star at Jerry forever,
Josh would be that guy, if he lived in the Garcia Era, he would be Rock Star Richard, combined with the Dark Star guy but he would be yelling Althea.
Like all the time,
Opener: Josh yells althea
Scarlet-Josh yells Althea
Slow song after Space: Yelling for Althea
Song after slow song after Space: More yelling Althea
Even after a Jerry Song, when we are due for a Bobby Song he would yell Althea
Josh and Franken would be in the lot, playing all Althea tapes.
It would be horrible.
Hailee’s uncle was like Gilad from bodies in motion but with a Brooklyn accent. And he was a cab driver on film once too, but I digress.