JUST THE FACTS, JACK

14 states plus American Samoa. 1357 delegates at stake.

JUST THE JACK, JACK

I’m not gonna jack you off, guy.

THE WHEREFORE OF TUESDAY

One of the Scandinavian countries–they’re all the same; don’t let em’ bullshit you–has enshrined into its Constitution the right to internet access. This right is not found in our founding document, even via a really loose interpretation of the Commerce Clause, because one of the the writers of our Constitution would have thought the internet was Dire magicks, sir! and gotten scared and started hacking people to death with his sword, which he still carried because he lived a million billion years ago. Every other nation updates its operating system; we’re still running on the 1.0 code. (The Bill of Rights and the other Amendments are patches. To continue the metaphor, the Articles of Confederation was the Beta version.)

And so too is the tradition of Tuesday elections a vestigial political organ of those bygone agrarian days. Sundays were obviously out, and so were Wednesdays because that was Market Day. But the ballot box was in town, you see, and most of the citizenry (white, male) were turd farmers way out in the sticks; this required a travel day. If you do the math, that leaves Tuesdays or Fridays, and even back then Friday was seen as a less-than-serious day, and so Tuesday it was, and still is.

There have been attempts to move Election Day to Saturday, or to designate it a federal holiday; these attempts have been deemed “commie bullshit.”

LINE ‘EM UP 

Alabama, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Minnesota, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, and Virginia.

LIME ‘EM UP

That would be a great slogan for Corona, assuming the company survives the virus. Remember Ayds?

It was chocolate with a little bit of speed in it; they marketed it to ladies who wanted to lose a few pounds, but in 1980 or so the name became a liability.

“Surely,” Kevin Ayds, owner of Ayds, Inc. said to his Board of Directors, “the public can’t be so dumb. They’ll know we have nothing to do with AIDS.”

And since the Board was made up entirely of Kevin’s dipstick cousins, it agreed with him.

I guarantee you they’re talking about Ayds at the Corona brewery right now.

LICK IT UP

TotD has had sex in 14% of the Super Tuesday states, which is not a great percentage, but it was a a lot of sex. And they were all hot. I didn’t take my gift gallivanting; I sheltered in place and let the loving come my way. My, my, my said the spider to the fly.

Dude, I can’t with you.

Whaaaat?

Stop giving people the shkeeves.

They love it. They clamor for it. This is content no one else is providing.

For a good reason! 

I’m the voice of my generation, and I’m ignoring you and changing the subject.

LET IT LOOSE

Let it all come down.

LIMPOPO HOAGIE 

Impala and banana on rye bread, toasted.

LINDBERGH BABY

Right behind you!