As you may have heard, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts, Sciences, and De-Aging Michael Douglas has a problem: no one wants to watch the Oscars, which is understandable. The broadcast is nine hours long, musical numbers featuring interpretive dance are performed, sound editors are allowed to speak, and Jack Nicholson is still sitting up front being a big ol’ rebel. (I mean, wearing sunglasses indoors? Oh, you wild Hollywood outlaws.) The show is essentially the same as it was when Adolph Zukor attended, and no one under 50 gives a shit.
THERFORE, the Academy of Motions, Pictures, and Tangible Judaism has announced changes to this year’s Oscars.
First off: the show shall be constrained to only three hours, even though it only needs to be about an hour. Here, watch:
- The pretty people are all forced to line up and twirl for us so we can evaluate their outfits and note how old Robert Downey Jr. is starting to look.
- Monologue. (And holy shit I do not mean Ricky Gervais. That tick can take his teeth and his atheism back to Brexitville and bring James Cordon with him. Maybe they can sing show tunes on the plane.)
- Diverse and attractive duo of actors–say, Chadwick Boseman and Emma Stone–announce the address of the website listing all the winners who are not in the acting categories or Best Picture because no one cares about anything else.
- If there’s a good Best Song nomination, then someone can sing the song but it better fucking be Celine Dion.
- Maybe Bublé.
- Definitely not Josh Groban or John Legend.
- And Alicia Keys is not even allowed in the building.
- In Memoriam, but instead of discouraging applause for individuals, we install a decibelometer and measure which dead fucker gets the biggest reaction; whoever wins, their mourning family gets a new Nissan Altima and a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni.
- Best Supporting Actor/Actress. (The awards are announced simultaneously and the two winners have to fight each other for the microphone.)
- Someone embarrasses themself.
- Best Actor/Actress.
- Best Picture.
- BOOM: done.
There will also be new awards this year. Among the rookie trophies are:
- Most Popular Picture.
- Best Steroid-Filled White Boy Named Chris.
- Thickest yokka-yokka. (Upon receipt of this prize, the recipient will be required to let the crowd stare at said yokka-yokka while Kevin Hart jumps up and down and shrieks “DAAAAAAAAAAMN that’s thick yokka!” over and over until Twitter hunts him down and kills him.)
- Best Zazie Beetz.
- Wokest Male. (Accepting this Oscar is a trick, as the truly woke thing to do would be to defer and give the award to a fluidgender Native American.)
- Wokest Female. (This is also a trick, as Kevin Hart is going to scream about your ass.)
- Best Problem Attic Picture. (YES, Kevin Spacey likes to grab teen boy dick, and YES, Johnny Depp punches wives, BUT they are still overseas draws and we live in the real world. It’s show “business,” not show “treating others with respect.” Grow up.)
- Best Picture of 1991. (Using the Time Sheath, the Academy goes back a few decades and gives Goodfellas the prize that Dances With fucking Wolves got.)
Hosting: Hologram Bob Hope.
Holy crap I had no idea Dances With Wolves beat Goodfellas for the Oscar that year. I had to look it up to see if it was true. I’m actually more shocked that The Godfather 3 was nominated. WTF?
Dances with Wolves was woke, Goodfellas (I have never seen it, was probably not woke)
When historians define the birth of woke, there will be a lively debate about pre-woke things, perhaps this movie will be cited, along with this post.
I did see Dances with Wolves and I remember some pretty shots, and in general a style that harkened back to older eras. So it was probably nostalgia that pushed it over the line.
nothing can beat that time The Waltons Swept the Emmys