A Hanukkah Guide For The Terminally Gentile

HISTORY (WITHOUT RESEARCH)

Antiochus? Maccabees were involved, I know that. Jews were under siege, as that is their natural state, by foreigners. The Jews are all, “Leave us alone; we just wanna hang out and be weirdos,” and foreigners are always like, “No, and we’re gonna punch you in your Jew dicks.” Greeks, Romans, all of Europe, Russia: Jew-botherers, the lot of ’em.

Anyway, Antiochus was a Greek or somethiNO, WAIT, my Hebrew School is coming back to me: Antiochus wasn’t Greek. He was Macedonian. Alexander the Great is involved in this somehow. He ruled Judea and he was a twat. Jews would see him coming and be like, “Ah, fuck, this guy again.” Complete asshole, but when he died all the newspapers ran stories about how much he loved his family and what pleasant manners he had.

One day–sometime in December, but no one knows when–Antiochus went to the Jews, and lo he said unto them,

“Jews? Jews!? Can you…? Thank you, just gather round. Maybe the guys in the front take a knee so more people can see. How’s everyone?”

And lo the Jews said unto him,

“Not so good.”

“What do you care, you putz?”

“My son doesn’t call.”

And Antiochus said unto them,

“Wonderful. Great. Always good to hear from my constituents. Anywhooooo…me and the boys were having a little think and, uh, we were just kinda wondering if, maybe, you could just stop being Jews.”

And the Jews said unto him,

“What?”

“Vass is duss?”

And a third Jew waved his hand dismissively at Antiochus and left, yelling at the top of his lungs,

“I TOLD YOU HE WAS AN ASSHOLE!”

And Antiochus said unto them,

“Have we considered the proposition yet?”

And the Jews said unto him many things in forgotten dialects from several Old Countries.

And lo did Antiochus continue,

“It’s just your language. Sweet Jesus, does it shoot through me. Hebrew? You call it Hebrew? It sounds like a dog eating his own dick. I just can’t listen to any more of it. And the religion. If I’m being honest, I need you to lose the religion, too. Stop trying to make Monotheism happen. It’s not gonna happen. Also–as long as we’re making changes, let’s go all the way–I would prefer if you dressed like human beings. Where did you even get beaver hats? Oh, and you need to eat normal food because the smell of chopped liver makes me wanna vom. We good?”

They were not good. The Jews and Antiochus (and, presumably, Antiochus’ army) fought. As to who won: well, this isn’t being written by an Antiochan, is it?

[EDITOR’S NOTE: I will now permit myself mild research on Antiochus.]

The Seleucid Empire? Get the fuck out of here. Never heard of you. Jews win.

Oh, right, and there was some oil. Were the Jews holed up somewhere? Was it a celebration? I do not know, nor do I care enough to look it up, and since it happened 2,200 years ago, it is most likely that no one knows precisely what happened. We are aware that a small quantity of a substance lasted longer than it should have. And now Antiochus and all the Maccabees are dead.

OBSERVANCES

Hanukkah is celebrated for eight nights. Why not eight days? What kind of question is that to ask me? What are you, an anti-Semite?

Don’t do that.

All Jewish holidays start at night because the Jewish day starts at sundown because Jews are secretly draculas. Each evening, the family gathers around the menorah, which is like a candelabra that doesn’t eat bacon. A candle is lit each night as the prayers are sung. Translated, this is the Hanukkah Prayer:

Holy God
Love you, God
Nothing compares to you
You’re a giver.
Remember the thing you told me to do with the candles?
I’m doing it.
Love you so much
Oh, yeeeeeeaaaaaaah. 

Modern versions of the menorah substitute lightbulbs or LED lights for the candles, and are generally placed in the front window of the home. This summons Batman.

RITUALS

Hanukkah is traditionally celebrated with gift-giving, or at least it has been since Jews moved to America and got jealous of the goyim. (Not a joke. Purim, historically, was the holiday Jews gave each other stuff on.) Children also receive small portions of gelt, which are coins made of incredibly cheap chocolate. These coins come packaged in a red, plastic mesh pouch, and its unique tactile sensation is the direct antecedent of all Jewish mens’ fishnet stocking fetish. Another tradition is the dreidel, which is a four-faced top that is used for wagering. Please do not show the dreidel to Batman, when he arrives, as gambling is illegal and he will surely beat you for your crimes.

GREETINGS

Please don’t. Just say “Merry Christmas.” I so rarely agree with Bill O’Reilly, but here we are: just say “Merry Christmas.” If you say “Happy Holidays” because you’re including New Year’s in with Xmas, than go to it, but don’t feel the need to include us in your salutations. It feels like a pity fuck.

Also: if you say “Happy Hanukkah” to a Jew you do not know, then that Jew will walk around the rest of the day miserable because someone thought they looked Jewish. Don’t tell Jews they look Jewish.

PRONUNCIATION

HAH-nəh-kəh.

See how’s there isn’t a CHHHH in there? All Jewish words don’t have that emblematic phoneme–I call it the mucus-stripper–in them, so don’t go adding the ugly things. Just say “HAH.” Like in “hobby.” We know you’re trying to be nice, but that’s not how to become one of the Righteous Among the Nations.

FREQUENCY

What is it, Kenneth?