“Good evening, I’m Rachel Maddow and you’re watching MSNBC, the NY Mets of 24-hour news channels. Tonight we have a bombshell of an interview for you: Lev Parnas, a businessman implicated in the Ukraine scandal that has led to Donald Trump’s impeachment. Thank you for coming on, Lev.”

“I was told I would be meeting Katy Tur.”

“No. I’m not Katy Tur.”

“Yeah, obviously. Although I bet you got some meat under that cable knit.”

“Unnecessary.”

“Rachel, I am every bit as sleazy as imagined. My entire life is kickbacks, cigars, and saying the n-word.”

“Lev–”

“Hard R! I don’t go soft with my R! If anything, I emphasize it.”

“–let’s discuss your background.”

“Sure thing. I am a crooked businessman. Any venture where there’s a lot of room for hanky-panky, that’s where my money is. Contracting, car shit, real estate. Recently, I’ve gotten into money dry cleaning.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“It’s like money laundering, but worse for the environment.”

“Uh-huh. In late 2018, Rudy Giuliani contacted you and your associate Igor Fruman to use your Ukrainian connections to dig up dirt on Hunter Biden, is that correct?”

“Affirmative.”

“And how did you meet Mr. Giuliani?”

“We had previously hired him as a consultant for our firm.”

“Your firm? What did your firm do?”

“Nothing. It only existed on paper so we could legally give Rudy the money.”

“And what did Mr. Giuliani do for your firm?”

“He accepted the money.”

“And the firm’s name was?”

“Fraud Guarantee.”

“Mr. Parnas, you ever get the feeling you’re a character in a novel that’s not quite as funny as the author thinks it is?”

“I am not a reader.”

“Sure. Did you meet in person with Mr Giuliani about this matter?”

“I met with everybody but the Big Guy. Rudy’s the only fun one over there. You ever meet Mike Pence? It’s like shaking hands with mayonnaise. We played golf once. We’re walking to the first hole and he says, ‘Do you love Jesus?’ So I say, ‘Of course I fucking do!’ cuz I’m trying to be enthusiastic. I know Pence is a church wiener. But apparently he don’t like cursing or something cuz he just clammed up after that. Longest 18 holes of my life.”

“Do you have any evidence of this meeting?”

“I got evidence for everything. You hear that, attorneys working at the Southern District of New York? I got evidence for everything and all of it can be viewed for the right consideration.”

“Right. You are currently under indictment for financial crimes relating to the 2016 election. When you were arrested on those charges, you were at Dulles Airport trying to board a flight to Frankfurt with a one-way ticket.”

“When you say ‘one-way ticket,’ it sounds so accusatory.”

“It was absolutely an accusation. You were trying to flee the country.”

“Never! I am a patriotic citizen of America, according to three of the passports I currently hold! I only got into all of this mess because I loved America so deeply, and respected the office of the President so much.”

“So you would have done all this for Barack Obama?”

“Ugh, no. He’s a n—-r.”

“Jesus!”

“Rachel, I told you upfront: I am a scumbag. I cheat on my taxes, I haggle with hookers, and I call all Mexicans ‘Jose.’ I’m everything’s that wrong with the world.”

“Still, man. I won’t have that on my show.”

“They let me say it on Fox!”

“Stop it. Just stop it. Mr. Parnas, you mentioned your contacts with the Trump administration. With whom did you discuss the Ukrainian matter?”

“Everybody. Everybody knew about it. We all met at the bar in the Trump Hotel in DC. We called it the Fortress of Trumpitude. Great place, real high-class. Quality puss. Gold-medal puss at the Fortress, Rachel.”

“Go on.”

“About the puss?”

“About your meetings at the hotel.”

“I told you: everybody. You ran into everybody there. Kellyanne Conway and her husband would come through trawling for rough trade to plow her while he watched. That’s their thing, apparently. Some people get off on the mind game thing, I dunno. Bill Barr used to roll in at midnight and make you smoke PCP with him. I’ll give this to the man: he’s at his desk by 7:30 every morning. Constitution of an ox.”

“This sounds like quite a bar.”

“Home away from home. We did karaoke night. So much fun. One night, Tucker Carlson stopped by and sang Video Killed The Radio Star, but when he opened his mouth to sing, what came out was the shriek of a dying, mad god. Maybe it sounded like a super-vulture, but backwards? I can’t truly describe the noise. I think hearing it might have done something to my brain. My head hurts just trying to remember it.”

“Let’s move on. You mentioned Vice-President Pence and Attorney General Barr. Who else in the Trump administration was involved in holding up the military aide to the Ukraine in exchange for political favors?”

“Rachel, I keep telling you: everybody. I forget names sometimes. Who’s the little Nazi sex pest?”

“Stephen Miller.”

“He knew. The one with dead eyes.”

“Jared Kushner.”

“He knew. The girl with the dead eyes.”

“Ivanka.”

“She knew. Everyone who worked for President Trump knew, even if they were completely extraneous to the plan. I had a meeting with the Postmaster General once, just to keep her in the loop. Simply the widest-reaching conspiracy you’ll ever encounter. It was a more open secret than Liberace being a homo.”

“I’m not going to ask you again about that kind of language.”

“Hey, at least I didn’t say n—-r.”

“We’ll be right back.”