“Good morning, everyone, but a great morning to one really special American, President Donald J. Trump. Your loyal Vice-President salutes you. He’s probably too busy to watch this, what with the massive work ethic he possesses. Slow down, Mr. President people will say, and he just laughs and goes back to making America greater. And if he’s not actively making America great, he’s thinking about. By gosh, I believe he dreams about it.
“But if President Trump does by chance have the teevee on, which he so rarely does, then I’d like to thank him for the leadership he’s shown since…well, his entire life, I guess. And I’d like to thank him for this opportunity to share the encouraging news about the Kung Flu. And I’d like to thank him for explaining to me why I should call it Kung Flu instead of Coronavirus. Sometimes, my opinions get twisted up, and President Trump straightens my brain right out. I love him for that. He teaches me so much.
“Oh, hey, lemme introduce everyone. You know Doctors Fauci and Birx.”
TWO MASKED SCIENTISTS STARING DAGGERS AT ONE UNMASKED MILKSOP NOISE
“President Trump loves them. So, I love them. They’re tremendous. It’s common practice back in Indiana to distrust Italians, but Dr. Fauci is one of the good ones. Doc, when are you going to invite me over to your momma’s house for some of her spicy meat-a balls?”
SILENCE NOISE
“And maybe some gabagool. Gee, I’d love to try that. Exotic! So, uh, getting back to the main point: President Trump has defeated Covid-19, and he also definitely knows what the ’19’ stands for. Much like Hercules slayed the Nemean Lion, President Trump has strangled the virus to death with his bare hands. If I were to name President Trump’s hands, I would name them Leadership and Powerfulness. I wish he’d let me name his hands. That would be such an honor.
“So: the pandemic is officially a nondemic. The American people, at the command of their mighty leader Donald J. Trump, whipped the virus. Whipped it real good. All 50 states are doing great, even the Democrat-run ones that have been set on fire by unruly blacks. Here is an inarguable fact: If you are a Wendy’s restaurant, you are at a much higher risk of being torched by unruly blacks than of catching coronavirus. You can’t argue with facts.
“And so as a result of President Trump’s brilliant actions, America has flattened the curve and will now be entering Phase: Delta. Okay, any questions? You, in the front.”
“What the hell is Phase: Delta?”
“Everything is open and all Americans are encouraged to splatter their bodily fluids willy-nilly. Also, testing for the virus is now illegal. And doctors aren’t allowed to cite Covid as a cause of death. They have to say it was the flu or pneumonia or pleurisy or whatever.”
“Why?”
“Well, remember when I said ‘You can’t argue with facts?’ I was right about that, but you can create your own facts. Legally, no one is going to die from Covid any more.”
“Where did the name come from?”
“Phase: Delta? The President is good friends with Chuck Norris.”
“Sounds right. Did you say that testing is now illegal?”
“Yes. And we are encouraging vigilantism on this issue. People should really take matters into their own hands.”
“That is incredibly irresponsible.”
“Is it?”
“China’s the irresponsible one.”
“We’re not talking about China.”
“I am! And I am accusing them of engineering a lethal bio-weapon and releasing it into the world.”
“Why would they do that?”
“Communism!”
…
“Did you have another question?”
“Nah. Just gonna sit here and breathe for a while.”
“Super. Who’s next? Oh, ugh, fine. Yamiche?”
“Good morning to you, too, Mr. Vice-President.”
“You here to pull down a statue?”
“I’m ignoring that. Mr. Vice-President, should Americans wear masks in public settings?”
“Yamiche, I know you hate America, but some of us still believe in the ol’ gal. The America I know is full of decent, hard-working, god-fearing, red-blooded folks. Less so in the big cities, but there’s still some decent folks there. I trust ’em to make the right decision.”
“And what is the right decision?”
“The American decision.”
“You’re not answering my question. Should people wear masks in public?”
“Batman should! Otherwise, everyone would know his secret identity.”
“Uh-huh. What about everyone who’s not Batman?”
“Almost all of the scenarios we discuss in Corona Task Force meetings involve Batman in some way. We’re still holding out for the possibility that he’s gonna show up and save us all.”
“Sir, should Americans wear masks in public or not?”
“Well, what counts as public? The middle of the ocean is public, but I don’t think a mask is necessary there. Or forests. The International Space Station.”
“Restaurants, sir. Bars and restaurants and stores. Should people wear masks while in these establishments?”
“Hey, look!”
MILKSOP PULLING A TINY KITTEN FROM HIS POCKET NOISE
“Wook at the widdle kitty. Wook at him.”
“You planted a kitten in your coat so you’d have a distraction when you got a difficult question?”
“Depends. Are you distracted?”
“No!”
MILKSOP YEETING A KITTEN OFF STAGE NOISE
“Can’t blame a guy for trying. Let’s let someone who isn’t Yamiche have a chance. Paula?”
“Mr. Vice-President, the number of cases in Americans under 35 is exploding. What are the plans for dealing with that?”
“Dealing with it? We’re celebrating it.”
“What now?”
“That demographic leans heavily Democrat. And, when they die, it gets them off the unemployment roles. Two-for-one kinda deal. We’re choosing positivity, Paula. Y’know what song I listen to every morning to put myself in the right headspace? Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.”
“That song was ironic.”
“Do I seem like a guy who understands irony?”
“No.”
“All right, then. Next question. You.”
“Mr. Vice-President: Earlier, you claimed that the United States had ‘flattened the curve.’ That is not true, sir.”
“It is.”
“No, sir.”
“The curve has been flattened. Can’t even call it a curve anymore.”
“Mr. Vice-President, this is the curve:
“How can you call that flat?”
“By looking at it from very far away. From around a hundred paces, this sucker’d look flat as a pancake.”
“I give up.”
“Wonderful! Anybody up for some Bible Study?”
Love the article. I live in Palm Springs and our name for him is Donny Death gotta love it