Nice. Got a DMZ going.
“DMZ?”
Dandy Man’s Zone. That little bit on a white guy in between the pant cuff and socks. Sexiest part of a body. So dandy.
“I’d like you to focus on the clothes, and not the parts that aren’t clothes.”
What about your face?
“Scratch what I said. Concentrate on my clothes and face. And hair. Never, ever forget the hair.”
I’d rather not think about any of those–
“Sure, I’ll describe my outfit in detail.”
Dammit.
“The shoes are $1200 Nikes.”
Why are they $1200?
“What did you pay for your sneakers?”
Sixty bucks or something.
“Well, mine are twenty times more fashionable than yours.”
Okay.
“The socks are Visvim. They’re made out of wool from a lamb that lives in a castle.”
A castle?
“Big fucker. Got a moat and everything. You gotta see how happy this lamb is.”
The pants?
“Um, it’s called ‘a pant.’ Don’t embarrass me in front of my hoodie.”
The pant?
“I got ’em in Target. Isn’t that fun? High culture, low culture. I take a lot of inspiration from collage artists. Hold on. Lemme switch positions.”
What?
Oh.
“I’m very conscientiously getting into the kneeling lifestyle. There’s so much to learn! Left knee, right knee. There’s the Asian Squat, but my Achilles tendons won’t do that, and I don’t think it counts as a kneel.”
Did you change?
“Always.”
FACETIME REQUEST NOISE
“Why!?”
That last thing. The ‘Always.’ Just rubbed me on my wrong doodad.
“Dick. Ugh, it’s a Facetime.”
Maybe it’s Carrie Underwood.
“Been there, done that, not going back.”
Why not?
“She sniffs glue.”
That’s still a thing?
“That’s what I said!”
FACETIME REQUEST NOISE
“Hate you.”
Yeah, yeah.
…
“Number Two on the week’s iTunes download charts, John Mayer here.”
“Cram it, you Christ-killin’ sumbitch: I know you leaked our last conversation.”
“I didn’t.”
“Your people are nothin’ but liars.”
“Again, Sarah: not a Jew.”
“Look me in the eyes and say that!”
“Which one?”
“You stuff that sass, sheenie.”
“Which is the dominant eyeball? Where’s my focus supposed to be?”
“The leakin’ stops here! You go on back to your yarmulkes and buttholes!”
“I do like buttholes.”
“Heathen boy! I smite you in the name of Jesus.”
“You have no smiting authority. I’ve read the Constitution.”
“Constitution ain’t in charge no more. Trumpstitution rules Barter Town!”
“This is starting to make less and less sense.”
“TWO EYEBALLS ENTER, ONE EYEBALL LEAVES!”
“I’m hanging up.”
“Can my daddy play in your band?”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH FACETIME NEVER DID THAT
“I told you I wanted to stop talking to her.”
Yeah, I ignored you.
How did Josh get this way?
How can we help him?
i think we’re supposed to like the vulnerability
Does he travel with a second tour bus outfitted specifically as a wardrobe transport?
If not, does he give the clothes away after single use?
IMO his fashion choices make Bobby’s daisy dukes seem aggressively macho in contrast.
Anti-Garcia