An Open Letter To The Bird Outside My Window

Dear Bird Outside My Window,

It is one in the morning, Bird Outside My Window; why the fuck are you chirping? Do you have rabies? When nocturnal animals get rabies, they are awake during the day. Does it work in reverse for birds? I do not know. My college did not have an Avionics Department, so I did not learn about birds, but I am generally familiar with how you all work.

Are you some sort of rebel, Bird Outside My Window? Do you think you are different than the other birds, all of whom are asleep right now? Because let me tell you : you ain’t shit, Bird Outside My Window. Your daddy wasn’t shit, and you ain’t shit. If you want to be up all night and possess the power of flight, then you should have been a bat or an owl. You are not a bat, Bird Outside My Window. Bats do not chirp. They are stealthy. You are also not an owl, an animal that similarly relies on stealth. No owl sings at the top its lungs constantly. This would alert the prey, and the owl would starve to death.

You wouldn’t pull this shit outside Israel’s window, Bird Outside My Window. They would snipe your rude ass.

Do not mistake my kindness for an unwillingness to burn down every tree and bush within three miles of my home.

Shut the fuck up,
TotD