I see what you’re doing with your watch.
“I’m not doing anything.”
Sure. It got out of your sleeve by accident. What is this all about?
“Wrestling, bro!”
You’re like if Reddit came to life.
“Wrestling’s awesome. This is NWA.”
Ooh, is DJ Ren there?
“Not that NWA. The wrestling promotion that competed with the WWE back when it was the WWF. They’re back! Or they never left. Either way, this is the first big show they’ve done in a while. It’s a lot more authentic than the major label stuff. You know what this is?”
Don’t mention SoundCloud.
“This is the SoundCloud of wrestling.”
Damn you, John Mayer.
“You’re just jealous because I’m having so much fun.”
You look like it. You look like you’re really blending in.
“Excuse me?”
The gut’s a nice touch.
“WHAT GUT, MOTHERFUCKER?”
Dude, you’re pregnant.
“That’s just the light! And the jacket’s laying on my torso–”
Belly.
“–in a weird way. You’re a petty little dick.”
I know, but you’re at a wrestling match.
“So!? Bob’s here, too!”
No, he isn’t.
“Bobby?”
“Oh, hey, Josh.”
“When, uh, does Gorilla Monsoon come out?”
“Probably not tonight, Bob.”
“Gorgeous George?”
“Also a no.”
Bobby, why are you attending professional wrestling?
“It’s either this or go home.”
Sure. John?
“Uh-huh?”
Since when is Bobby into…hey, is that Craig Finn from The Hold Steady?
“No.”
I think it is. Ask him about baseball or Catholicism.
“It’s not Craig Finn.”
See what he knows about the Hardcore scene of the Twin Cities in the ’90’s.
“It’s not Craig Finn.”
You would be so much cooler if you were friends with Craig Finn. Did you try to be friends with him and it didn’t work out? Did Craig Finn not want to talk about typewriters and laundry?
“Can I please just watch my violent homoeroticism? The next match is about to start.”
“Da. Ve vill put on show for gopniks. Then murder gopniks.”
“Goddammit.”
“I see Little Potato has come to see Putin wrestle.”
“Goddammit. Why are you here?”
“Putin nyet popular at home. Polls very bad. Try to have polls assassinated. Turns out is nyet a thing.”
“So you’re wrestling?”
“Da. Wrestling. Fight alligator. Climb mountain. Ford stream. Follow rainbow.”
“You’re gonna follow a rainbow?”
“Nyet. Putin check to see if Little Potato vas listening. Putin nyet follow rainbow.”
“Listen, I’m gonna go get a Coke or something.”
“Bring Putin back kulebyaka.”
“I am absolutely positive they don’t have whatever that is here.”
“Fine. Big pretzel.”
“I’m not buying you any food!”
“Putin nyet get big pretzel, Craig Finn have accident.”
“Fine! Big pretzel!”
“Putin vin again.”
ugh, the only thing grosser than the hairy craig finn doppelganger would be if it really was craig finn.