Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

And The Three Men I Admire Most, They Caught The Last Train For The Coast

“Slasher, you’re a mess. Let me buy you a hooker to vomit on.”

“I’m fine, Bob.”

“You’re better than fine, baby: you’re high-caliber and long-stemmed. God ain’t makin’ ’em like you any more, and this town knows it. Have you ever thought about acting?”

“I’ve played myself a couple times, and I’m not real good at it.”

“Bullshit! Never let me hear you say that! Acting is just lying while handsome. Any schmuck could do it. Hell, I did.”

“Sure, maybe.”

“I see you as a modern-day Bob Hope. Can you dance?”

“Not even a little.”

“This is not a problem. We can fix that in post. Tremendous talent, Hope. The skits, the soft-shoe, the whole schmear. And pussy. No one got more pussy than Bob Hope. That’s why he golfed. Man loved holes.”

“It’s weird to think of Bob Hope that way.”

“Bali, Morocco, Rio; pussy, pussy, pussy. That was Hope, and that’s Hollywood! The whole business is built on pussy, Slasher, and don’t you forget it. Who’s got it, who wants it, and who’s gettin’ it! It’s all a game, but it’s deadly serious, too. Man’s gotta measure himself, so how does he do it? Pussy. And Oscars. Some say family. Y’know who says family? Losers say family. We know, don’t we? Pussy and Oscars, Slasher.”

“Uh-huh. You holding?”

“Not personally, but my English butler, Kippers, has an entire pharmacy sewn into the lining of his morning coat. Kippers!”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I gotta take this, Bob.”

“If it’s Coppola, tell him to go fuck himself.”

“Sure.”

“This is Slash.”

“Slasher! You talk pussy?”

“How do you know what we were talking about?”

“Put Bobby Evan on phone. Am big fan.”

“No.”

“He stay in picture so good.”

“Yuh-huh. Is there a reason for this call?”

“I join band. Kim Jong-Un have squeezebox, Only Korea no sleep at night.”

“There’s no accordion parts in any of my songs.”

“Patience.”

“No.”

“Pretty sure.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Agree disagree.”

“No!”

DIAL TONE NOISE BECAUSE ONLY KOREAN PHONES STILL DO THAT

“Who was that, Slasher?”

“You wouldn’t believe me, Bob.”

“Kid, I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. Richard Pryor on fire off the shoulder of Mulholland. Valerie Bertinelli glittering by the Paramount Gate. Now all those spectacular, only-in-Hollywood moments have been lost. Like cocaine in the rain.”

“What?”

“If it’s even cloudy outside, bring your coke in the house. Hard lesson!”

“Yeah, okay, sounds good. That was Kim Jong-Un.”

“Why didn’t you let me talk to him!?”

“You want to talk to Kim Jong-Un?”

“I want to talk to anyone with an entire country’s treasury at his disposal!”

2 Comments

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    November 3, 2019 at 1:42 pm

    What look like “accordions” are portable launch control consoles for the next gen of NK missiles.

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