Appropriate Reactions To The Announcement Of The Beyoncé Pregnancy

February 1, 2017 / Thoughts On The Dead / 1 Comment

Awe.
Castigation of the flesh in recognition of how pathetic you are in comparison to the unborn children.
Starting an online petition to name the twins Ceyoncé and Deyoncé
Buying Solange a “World’s Greatest Aunt” tee-shirt.
Longform essay in Pitchfork declaring the ascendancy of Popism.
Rending of garments.
Keening.
Ululating.
Just completely losing your shit in the bedding aisle of Target.
Going through Bible and crossing out Jesus’ name and writing in Beyoncé.
Spontaneous combustion.
Taking your dick out at the Foot Locker.
Quite honestly: if you do not experience a full-blown sympathetic pregnancy, then you’re not a real fan.
Remember Scanners?
Completely appropriate response.

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