Catastrophe

A trail jogger in Colorado successfully defended himself Monday against a mountain lion that attacked him from behind. The cat is dead, and the man is recovering in a local hospital. – Colorado Runner Kills Mountain Lion in Self-Defense – NPR, 2/5/19

“Excuse me.”

Mm?

“Are you in charge here?”

Define “in charge.” And “here.” And the other two words.

“Christ, everyone’s an asshole in this place. What is this place, by the way?”

Have you seen a lion with no skin?

“Tough to miss that fucker. He looks like the first Hellraiser movie.”

What about a psychopathic killer whale?

“There is a killer whale here who keeps trying to lure me closer to him.”

Yeah, he wants to drown you. That’s Tillikum. You’re in Famous Animal Heaven, buddy.

“Are you sure?”

What are you looking at right now?”

“A gorilla with his dick out and a gorilla doing sign language.”

Yeah. Famous Animal Heaven. Gonna level with you: everyone up there is gibberingly mad.

“Seems like it. Wait, why am I famous?”

Dude.

“I’m a girl.”

Dude.

“What? Why am I famous?”

A jogger killed you!

“You should have seen the size of him!”

A jogger!

“The guy was most likely an off-duty Special Forces operator. Size of a bear.”

Noooo. He was a jogger. Short shorts and skinny arms and a complicated watch.

“Jack Reacher. Not the one from the movies, the one from the books. That’s who this guy was. He was that big.”

Oh, okay. So, uh, why’d you attack him? If he was so big? Why would you, at 80 pounds, try to take down a 250 pound behemoth?

…

“I meant the one from the movies, not the books. Like, he was compact in his bigness.”

Uh-huh. You got your ass kicked.

“The tide turned so quickly. Snuck up on him, pounced, got him to the ground. I’m chewing on his face and trying to get at his neck when he does this hip move on me and BAM I’m in a rear naked choke. Woke up here.”

Yeah. You got your ass kicked.

“He pulled some MMA shit on me, man. Deer never did that.”

Deer have little if any affinity towards the martial arts.

“They just run away.”

Right.

“Well, shit. This is no good. I’m still a kitten, dammit.”

Sorry. Your eyes were bigger than your claws. Should’ve aimed lower on the food chain when selecting your lunch.

“No need to be a dick.”

Pardon me for being Team Human. Don’t eat people, asshole.

“Stop being made of food, dipshit.”

I’m so glad you were murdered by a jogger, incompetent puma.

“FUCK YOU!”

FUCK YOU!

…

“Are those chimpanzees in spacesuits over there?”

Yeah. Ham and Enos.

“Can I eat them?”

God, you’re the worst.