What is this now?
“I’ve joined the E Street Band.”
Goddammit.
“I tried to join Phish, but they ghosted on me.”
Is that the reason Curveball was cancelled?
“Yeah. The water was fine. Those guys are just fucking dicks.”
Aw. Sorry, buddy. But you really don’t have to join Bruce’s band.
“I’m gritty!”
You’re from Connecticut and collect typewriters.
“Typewriters from the streets.”
John, put the telecaster and denim down.
“It’s all selvage.”
Selvage is the IPA of denim. White people need to stop complicating staple items.
“Listen, I…I’m afraid to go home.”
What? Oh, noes.
“Since the robbery.”
Burglary.
“What’s the difference?”
Robbery is stealing from a person; burglary is stealing from a place.
“Huh. Learn something every day. Can we get back to my newly-acquired crippling phobia?”
Sure.
“I was violated! And not in the fun way that involves safe words and pop stars! I drive to my house and I start shaking. I can’t go in, man. So I’m staying out on tour for the rest of my life if I have to join every legacy act in the country.”
Uh-huh. John?
“Yeah?”
You own at least two more homes.
…
“You are right. Apartment in New York and the spread in Montana.”
So you could just go there.
“Are you aware of how hot Montana gets in the summer? Lot of bugs, too.”
So go to New York.
“I can’t deal with Cynthia Nixon’s bullshit.”
No one can. Huh. I don’t know what to do. You can stay with me.
“No.”
Good decision. Go stay with one of your comic friends. How about Saget?
“He sleepwalks.”
Oh.
“And then he sleepfucks.”
Sure. John?
“What?”
CELL PHONE NOISE
It turns out I don’t care about your rich people problems.
“Asshole.”
…
“What?”
“Little Potato always have place to stay!”
“Ah, shit.”
“You come Only Korea. Live like king. I got Cokes.”
“Real Cokes?”
“Kinda.”
“Dude, this is not the best time. Plus, if Bruce sees me on the phone he’s gonna fine me. I’ve been in the E Street Band for an hour and I owe him $8,000.”
“Boss run tight ship.”
“He does.”
“I kill for you.”
“NO! Do not assassinate Bruce Springsteen!”
“Make look like accident.”
“How would you do that?”
“Piano fall on him.”
“Do not drop a piano on Bruce, please.”
“Father invent New Jersey.”
“Hanging up.”
…
“Hey!”
Yeah?
“Either he needs to stop calling me or you need to write him some new jokes.”
Oh, bite me.
“It’s a little formulaic at this point.”
So was your last album.
“FUCK YOU!”
FUCK YOU!
“HEY! What the hell you doing, new guy?”
“Ah, Jeez. Sorry, Bruce.”
“That’s another grand!”
“Aww.”
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