If you feel this post is male-centric, you may substitute Josh’s ditty about fathers being good to their daughters. But you won’t.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Category: Uncategorized (Page 232 of 1031)
I just want you to walk me through your thought process, Bobby.
“That’s a long and winding road.”
Still. People are talking.
“Well, my friend and tech Chris Charucki passed on, and this was his shirt, so I decided to wear it in his hometown. Honor him a bit.”
Right, I get that. Very sweet of you to do for a friend.
“You can, uh, wear my clothes when I die if you’d like.”
I’ll keep that in mind.
“Except the ones I’m buried in. Leave those alone.”
Noted. But it’s not technically about the shirt. It’s about what lies beneath the shirt.
“Symbolically?”
No, physically. I speak of your hairiness and nipple. The garment has buttons. Why were they not employed?
“Charucki used to button my shirts.”
There’s a punchline if I ever saw one.
Hey, Phil. Whatcha doing?
“Ah, fuck. I thought you forgot about me.”
It’s been a while since we talked.
“It was nice. Nobody was shitting on my bocce courts. Putin didn’t show up at all. I valued your absence.”
Well, I’m back.
“You don’t have to be. And I didn’t invite you.”
What are we doing with our hat, buddy?
“In fact, I’m actively disinviting you.”
Did a Millennial show you how to wear a baseball cap that way?
“Security!”
“I’ll kick his ass, Dad.”
“You’ll kick nothing but sand, Grahame!”
“Aw.”
“See what you’ve done? Out!”
I just want to be a fan.
“Do it somewhere else.”
Aw.
- You can just, like, start a St. Stephen?
- I didn’t know that was legal.
- Oh, Bobby baby.
- How do you forget the words with multiple teleprompters in front of you?
- Oh, baby Bobby.
- All right, c’mon, put it back together.
- Such a goofy-ass song.
- Not even really a song, is it?
- It’s parts from other songs played in sequence.
- The Ohawk was cool, but I gotta say that I prefer this year’s tidy natural.
- What I do not prefer: when Oteil plays with his fingers, he puts his pick in his mouth and that is dangerous.
- It is akin to running with scissors!
- Sudden plectral inhalation may occur!
- You know Bobby does not know the Heimlich maneuver, Oteil!
- Here’s what you do, buddy: put a hundred picks on your mic stand and keep tossing ’em out to the crowd like Rick Nielsen from Cheap Trick.
- Okay, that’s settled.
- Ooh, a jam.
- People are gonna want to call this an Eleven Jam.
- People are fucking simpletons.
- The jam after St. Stephen never downshifted into 11/4, so therefore cannot be classified as an Eleven Jam.
- This is basic stuff, folks.
- William Tell was Swiss.
- Did you know that?
- I didn’t.
- I assumed he came from the same forest as Robin Hood.
- Maybe they practiced archery together.
- But, no.
- He’s as Swiss as Nazi gold.
- Other facts about William Tell:
- Rarely if ever called “Billy.”
- He was kinda the Simon Bolivar of Switzerland, sort of.
- William Tell never stretched his “bow” ’til it could stretch no further because he used a crossbow.
- C’mon, fuckers.
- Do it, fuckers.
- I told everyone on Twitter about this; don’t make me look like an asshole.
- Drop that last fucking beat and do it.
- C’MON AND DO THE THING, YOU SMELLY ASSHOLES.
- …
- THEY DID THE THING!
- AND NOW THEY’RE DOING THE THING!
- THINGNESS IS CURRENT!
- Stop it.
- The Eleven, braj!
- I know, but you need to behave yourself.
- Eat my dick and balls.
- Anyway: some questions and answers:
- Can Dead & Company play The Eleven?
- With surprising nimbleness, actually.
- Were The Eleven’s lyrics meant to be heard clearly?
- Oh, fucking hell, no; you’re supposed to catch a word here and there; this is a blisteringly hippie-dippie silly singalong.
- But, dude: The Eleven?
- The fucking Eleven, braj.
- And then they played some other stuff.
Bobert Herbert Walker Weir.
“Uh, hey.”
Explain yourself.
“Well, I was adopted. Then I went to a ranch–”
Tonight. Explain your actions of June 15th, 2018.
“You’re referring to the semi-nudity.”
I am, yes. And the Misfits shirt.
“Oh, is that what this is? I thought that was Rock Scully’s face.”
Bob?
“Yuh-huh?”
How’s your shoulder?
“I’m not gonna lie: sucker was acting up this afternoon.”
Ahhh.
“I feel so free.”
No one is happy with this.
“It’s been a weird year.”
This is a thing that happened. Here’s what it looked like from the front:
Throughout world history, many things have happened. This is now one of them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2x9yzjubeoI
Matt “Guitar” Murphy, everybody. Give him a hand.
Just watch the whole thing. You don’t need the context.
INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM – THIS MORNING
“Good mornin’, y’all. Ah hope you prayed t’ Jesus today, cuz Satan is ev’rywhere. Look, he’s right there! Oh, no, that’s Jim Acosta.”
“Very funny, Sarah.”
“A sense o’ humor is one o’ many genetic traits mah daddy passed on down t’ me. Before Ah take any o’ y’all’s questions, Ah have a short statement Ah did not prepare that was dictated and not edited.
“Ahem.
“The losers and haters thought that Trump couldn’t denuke North Korea, but Trump won. Kim Jong-Un, who is very tough but you have to be tough in this world, was a very, very strong negotiator, but America won. The world is now at peace for the first time in many, many years and the Korean War is over. Just because we didn’t write it down doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. No more Korean War.
“The Trump Foundation is one of the greatest charitable organizations probably in the entire world. Last week, the parents of a Korean War soldier said to me, ‘Mr. President, can you bring our boy back and thank you for your charity work.’ Can you believe that? Their boy’s been missing for 70 years and they still mention my charity? That’s a huge compliment to me, huge, and you got this Eric Schneiderman who is a pervert saying terrible things, and it’s really a shame.
“If you see Jeff Sessions, tell him I don’t like him.
“Ahem.
“Let’s get goin’ with those questions. Gary?”
“Sarah, an ABC report from last night showed the detention centers that children taken from their parents are being held in.”
“Foreign children, Gary.”
“They’re still children, Sarah. Don’t you think they should be with their families?”
“Yes, they should be. Darn tootin’. But their parents made theyselves a shame of a choice and now we are legally bound to rip the babies from their mothers and throw ’em in repurposed Walmarts. That’s th’ law.”
“It is not the law.”
“It’s as good as law. It’s what we hold with round here.”
“What?”
“Swamp justice, Gary. It’s makin’ America great again. April Ryan, Ah will slap that scowl off your face.”
“I dare you, bitch.”
“Ah dream ’bout body slammin’ you into an empty swimming pool.”
“You think you’re something, step off the podium.”
“Sarah, could I ask a question?”
“Cheese-and-crackers, Jim Acosta. You wait your dang turn.”
“I thought you were looking at me.”
“Ah tol’ y’all that the right eye was the good one this week. Ah tell you every Monday which eyeball is workin’.”
“Yes. You’re right. I even wrote it down.”
“Boy, you dumber than a dead coonhound.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“What ain’t necessary is your lyin’ an’ weaselly ways when it comes to this here Administration. Ah suppose you got some bleedin’-heart question ’bout them kids, too?”
“The five and six-year-olds torn from their parents’ arms? Yes, I have some questions about that.”
“Well, Ah hope your questions is in the form of a ‘thank you, President Trump.’ Cuz a good 80% of them kids is MS13 assassin-rapists.”
“They are not.”
“Fine. 75%.”
“No percent. These are children.”
“Yuh-huh. MS13 is usin’ children now t’ do their assassinatin’. An’ their rapin’.”
“None of that is true.”
“Boy, you thicker than molasses in February.”
“Could you please stop calling me dumb in old-timey Southern ways?”
“Hell, naw. Oh, hey, speakin’ o’ Southern…”
BANJO MUSIC NOISE
“…it’s Attorney Gen’ral Jefferson Beauregard Dixiepants Sessions.”
“Well, don’t you look scrumptious, Miss Sarah?”
“Fiddlesticks, Gen’ral.”
“How’s your momma an’ them?”
“Uncle Jasper’s back in th’ hospital.”
“Did your Aunt Sassybeth put him there?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Well, you lemme talk to these here J-E-W’s an’ Ah’ll come right on back an’ we c’n set a bit.”
LARGE WOMAN CURTSYING NOISE
“Aw right, who’s got theyselves a question? You, boy. Where you from?”
“CBS.”
“Naw. You?”
“Associated Press.”
“Nuh-uh. You?”
“Al Jazeera.”
“Security!”
“That’s highly offensive.”
“Oh, take a joke, Ahmed. How ’bout you? Clean-shaven fella.”
“I’m from the Christian Broadcasting Network.”
“Oh, that’s super. Not Catholic, though?”
“Oh, no. Definitely not Catholic.”
“Well, you an’ me gonna get along like sweet an’ tea. Go ‘head with your l’il ol’ question.”
“Sir, is there a Biblical passage that validates the Administration’s actions regarding immigration?”
“Flapdoodles, yes! Luckily f’r ya’ll, Ah brought the Sessions’ family Bible. Lemme open it up.”
MOURNFUL FIDDLE MUSIC PUNCTUATED BY THE CRACK OF A WHIP NOISE
“Ah quote from Philip 21:3. When the foreigner comes to you, put them in cages provided by private contractors. Ah’m quotin’ chapter an’ verse here, folks. Here’s another one. Boudica 17:11. The Lord is in everyone, but some are low and some are high and the way you can tell is that Mexicans are the low. If you’re disagreein’ with me, you’re disagreein’ with God, folks.”
“Attorney General Sessions, it’s one thing for the Bible to say something, but it’s quite another for U.S. legal code to say it. Which law are you citing to defend your decision to split up families and house children in detention facilities?”
“You that Jim Acosta fella.”
“Yes.”
“Miss Sarah done warned me ’bout you.”
“I’m sure she did.”
“Acosta.”
“That’s my name.”
“Acosta.”
“Stop it.”
“Jus’ don’t hear that kinda name ’round these parts real often. Where your people stay at?”
“Virginia.”
“No, Ah mean originally.”
“I’m not having this conversation.”
“I quote furthermore from th’ scripture! Glastonbury 32:2 Blessed is the Attorney General who does not feed illegal immigrant children to bears, but instead provides them with warm cages. You see there? That’s th’ Holy Word, son. Ah walk with th’ Lord.
LARGE WOMAN RE-ENTERING NOISE
“Gen’ral Sessions, Ah forgot t’ tell you: the President don’t like you.”
“Well, bless his heart.”
Come one, come all*, to the very first summer festival for YOU, the Classical Liberal; for YOU, the Redditor; for YOU, the watcher of 3 hour YouTube videos on Evolutionary Psychology and how it proves that Star Wars should have more white men in it: Cock’n!
We’ve got everything! How about special guests? We have special guests:
- Several of the guys from Joe Rogan’s podcast who aren’t Joe Rogan!
- Roseanne!
- Julian Assange via FaceTime!
- The basement from Comet Pizzeria!
- Several more Weinsteins!
- The reanimated corpse of Father Coughlin!
And join us for our panels!
- “Why Do Black People Keep Calling Me Racist?”
- “Who Really Killed Anthony Bourdain?”
- “Are Feminists Evil Or Just Wrong?”
- “Ethics In Gaming Journalism.”
- “Cant Muslims Stop Being Retarded?”
- “How Ant-Man & The Wasp Portends White Genocide.”
Come on down, you tech-savvy winners who’ve never read a novel that didn’t contain a spaceship! We’ll meet you at the David Koch Theater, because of course this is being held at the David Koch Theater!
*For a specific and limited definition of “all.”
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