Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Category: Uncategorized (Page 243 of 1031)

A Twink Is As Good As A Nod If You’re Hung Like A Horse

My son,

By the time you read this, I will be dead. They came from out of the Wests: Hollywood and the Village. Their underwear was so expensive, and their hair was only on their heads. Son, their skin was so creamy that we did not see their teeth. The twinks devoured all they saw.

(Not “devoured” in a sense of eating. Occasionally, the twinks would pick off someone else’s plate, but other than that no one ever saw them eat.)

They came for the women first. They were “gross,” the twinks said. The old were next; they were also “gross.” Then, that guy who works the door at Calypso’s, because “he was such a dick.” Finally, they came for us: the daddies. The hottest of us were put to use, sexually, and the richest were used financially. The rest, myself included, were forced to work in the lube mines.

It was the Age of the Twink, my son.

They came for us in the middle of the night, or at around ten in the morning when they got home from the clubs. I tried to fight them off, but their skin was so smooth I could find no handhold. A busload of us were brought to the fields. Our assignment: to “grow electricity, or build it, or whatever.” The twinks are not mechanically inclined, but require massive amounts of power for their EDM festivals and to maintain the Grindr servers.

We have been given no food. Just random pills and shirts that are too tight. I do not have much longer. The daddies talk about an island that the twinks did not invade, as they can drink and fuck and take pictures of themselves on boats, but not pilot them. I choose to believe in the island. Perhaps one day I will see you there.

They blew it all to hell. Goddamn them all, they blew it all to hell

Love,
Kevin James

 

 

You read this; I can’t make heads or tails of it. Also, it refers to Freddie Mercury as a twink and that is objectively wrong. Mr. Mercury was an otter. TheĀ Times regrets the mistake.

Kreutzmann And Childd

“What the fuck is all this bullshit now?”

Billy?

“Nah. Down here.”

Baby Justin?

“Is that my name?”

Yeah.

“Question.”

Shoot.

“Explain the concept of names.”

No.

“This my dad?”

Yes.

“He a cowboy?”

No. A drummer.

“Is that better?”

Less saddle rash.

“Okay. Speaking of which–”

“–I’m back.”

You poop?

“I did.”

Nice.

“I gotta be honest: I thoroughly enjoy pooping. Then the lady comes in and shines me up. It’s all very civilized.”

Well, don’t get used to it.

“Why not?”

You only get, like, two years of pants-pooping. After that, you’re on your own.

“That’s fucked up.”

I hear you.

“Another question.”

Go to it.

“There’s another guy. Not this guy, but also hairy. He keeps whacking on me with mallets.”

That’s your Uncle Mickey. Just go with it. Wait. Soft mallets?

“Yeah.”

Okay. Yeah, just go with it.

“Gotcha. Let you in on a secret?”

Sure.

“I’m about to puke all over this motherfucker.”

Try and hit his mustache.

“Will do.”

Ahhhh, Leak Out!

Nice. Got a DMZ going.

“DMZ?”

Dandy Man’s Zone. That little bit on a white guy in between the pant cuff and socks. Sexiest part of a body. So dandy.

“I’d like you to focus on the clothes, and not the parts that aren’t clothes.”

What about your face?

“Scratch what I said. Concentrate on my clothes and face. And hair. Never, ever forget the hair.”

I’d rather not think about any of those–

“Sure, I’ll describe my outfit in detail.”

Dammit.

“The shoes are $1200 Nikes.”

Why are they $1200?

“What did you pay for your sneakers?”

Sixty bucks or something.

“Well, mine are twenty times more fashionable than yours.”

Okay.

“The socks are Visvim. They’re made out of wool from a lamb that lives in a castle.”

A castle?

“Big fucker. Got a moat and everything. You gotta see how happy this lamb is.”

The pants?

“Um, it’s called ‘a pant.’ Don’t embarrass me in front of my hoodie.”

The pant?

“I got ’em in Target. Isn’t that fun? High culture, low culture. I take a lot of inspiration from collage artists. Hold on. Lemme switch positions.”

What?

Oh.

“I’m very conscientiously getting into the kneeling lifestyle. There’s so much to learn! Left knee, right knee. There’s the Asian Squat, but my Achilles tendons won’t do that, and I don’t think it counts as a kneel.”

Did you change?

“Always.”

FACETIME REQUEST NOISE

“Why!?”

That last thing. The ‘Always.’ Just rubbed me on my wrong doodad.

“Dick. Ugh, it’s a Facetime.”

Maybe it’s Carrie Underwood.

“Been there, done that, not going back.”

Why not?

“She sniffs glue.”

That’s still a thing?

“That’s what I said!”

FACETIME REQUEST NOISE

“Hate you.”

Yeah, yeah.

“Number Two on the week’s iTunes download charts, John Mayer here.”

“Cram it, you Christ-killin’ sumbitch: I know you leaked our last conversation.”

“I didn’t.”

“Your people are nothin’ but liars.”

“Again, Sarah: not a Jew.”

“Look me in the eyes and say that!”

“Which one?”

“You stuff that sass, sheenie.”

“Which is the dominant eyeball? Where’s my focus supposed to be?”

“The leakin’ stops here! You go on back to your yarmulkes and buttholes!”

“I do like buttholes.”

“Heathen boy! I smite you in the name of Jesus.”

“You have no smiting authority. I’ve read the Constitution.”

“Constitution ain’t in charge no more. Trumpstitution rules Barter Town!”

“This is starting to make less and less sense.”

“TWO EYEBALLS ENTER, ONE EYEBALL LEAVES!”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Can my daddy play in your band?”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH FACETIME NEVER DID THAT

“I told you I wanted to stop talking to her.”

Yeah, I ignored you.

Don’t Touch It; It’s Evil

You got out?

“Nothing stops capitalism, baby. Look! We’re all touching it to gain its power.”

Uh-huh. People used to make pilgrimages for this sort of thing.

“People were dumb back then. Not like now, when they can come into the city and look upon Garcia’s briefcase in person and, perhaps, be healed of their ailments.”

Don’t say that.

“Not legally! Legally, I am not saying that. But between you and me? Laying your hands on the relic will definitely cure you of lupus. And HIV. Not AIDS. If you’re full-blown, there’s very little the briefcase can do.”

I renounce all of this.

“Dude, this is just the beginning.”

Oh, God.

“We’ve got a collection of his old tin foil scraps. It’s the size of a basketball.”

Jesus, that’s ghoulish.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet! I have old answering machine messages from his daughters wondering why he didn’t show up for the holidays! They cry and everything!”

Shapiro, stop it.

“And not just Garcia. Remember how Brent died?”

Yeah.

“I got it.”

You got what. Oh, no. Please tell me you don’t mean–

“I got the syringe!”

–the syringe he…holy fuck, this is wrong.

“What? We’re honoring them!”

You’re parading their failures and sadness around like a statue at the Feast of San Gennaro.

“Hey, you ever see how many dollar bills get pinned to that sucker?”

This is not right.

“You want an exclusive? We just signed a contract with Mountain Girl. Every Tuesday night, she’s gonna come in and answer questions about Garcia until she cries.”

No.

“Guess what I’m gonna do with the tears?”

I’m done with this conversation.

“I’m gonna sell the tears.”

Yes, I figured. I want nothing to do with any of this. It’s morbid.

“Got the sheets he died on, too. You can still see his outline!”

SHWIZZLESHWAZZLEKAZOOM!

Briefcase of Infinite Felonies?

“Hey.”

Eat him again?

“No jury would convict me.”

What if they did?

“I would eat the jury.”

Sure. Could you not let him out for a while?

“I’ll try. But he does not taste good.”

I could buy you some Nathan’s to put on top of him.

“They still do the crinkle fries?”

Fuck, yeah.

“Lead on, MacDuff.”

You eat the rest of those fuckers, too?

“Bandanas and all.”

You’re the finest magical briefcase I know.

“Something stops capitalism, baby.”

A Terrible Poem About A Part Of Speech

When was the last time you cavorted?
Maybe you’ve caroused.
Depends on your blood type.

Have you surmised lately?
Frolicked?
Stretched?
Stretching is the most important meal of the day,
We’re told.

Emblazoned,
Snuck,
Wrangled,
Tintinnabulated?
Don’t lie to me, motherfucker.
I know you haven’t tintinnabulated this year.

All these verbs you left behind.
Just to eat and sleep and shit and want.

Facts Are Stubborn, Stupid Things

What used to be is not what is, Enthusiasts. This is the nature of nature, and of conjugation. Gonna becomes is turns into was transforms to used to be. What I’m getting at here is this: Bobby is shrinking and we need to accept it. Bobby used to be taller than Garcia, but now he is shorter than pop star-banging guitarists, and hippies who never had a hit single, and wealthy gay men on vacation. That’s short!

What to do? First off, show kindness. Do not keep offering to fetch items off the top shelf for Bobby, or forward him links that advertise sandals with hidden lifts. This will cause him to become resentful, and he will take it out on Matt Busch. Secondly: defend Bobby. If you see a tall rando heading his way, tackle that rando. Third: we should probably just all ignore it like we did Garcia’s hobbies. That worked out well.

A good novelist could reveal all of these men’s character just by describing their choices in footwear.

Yup.

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