TotD has never tasted the following foods:
- Many nuts including but not limited to pistachios, almonds, those little fuckers, the ones with the racist name (there was a racistly-named nut, wasn’t there?), and sunflower seeds.
- I have never eaten a peach. It is a lurid fruit: I find its feel sensual and the look of its innards are absolutely smutty. I’m no prude, but I don’t want my kids seeing that in the produce aisle.
- Cherries. I have never eaten an actual cherry, yet when it comes to both Gatorade and Starburst, the cherry flavor is my favorite. Although, I think that flavor might better be called “red” than cherry.
- Forget actually attempting to eat one, the very smell of hard-boiled eggs makes me gag.
- Eggs, in general, are a no-mans-land for me: over easy, sunny side up, poached–seriously get the fuck out of here with your poaching bullshit–I’m not an egg man. One strict exception: scrambled, cooked til they’re almost burned, and plenty of bacon to reward myself for choking down these vile chicken abortions.)
- If you put cheese on the eggs, I will vomit.
- Fuck mushrooms. Once anything in your genus is poisonous, I consider it out-of-bounds. There are no poisonous cows.
- When the revolution comes and goes, during the Dark Days when there was no America and highwaymen flocked to the interstate, and rations got a bit tight: I will eat peas. We are not at that point.
- Ketchup on absolutely anything at all other than fries. If you put ketchup on your eggs or hot dogs, then–you know, I’m confounded and let down and a little sick, but if you put it on anything else, I think I’d just backhand slap you without warning. At summer camp, I once saw a kid dipping his pizza into ketchup; I murdered him.
- I have no dog in the Pumpkin Spice War of 2014, as I have no idea what pumpkin tastes like. Quite frankly, until a sadly ;ate age, I did not know they could be eaten, thinking them some sort of “decorative fruit.”
- And if we’re being completely honest, there’s a good shot that I thought it was a “decorative vegetable.” The difference always stymied me, like which way the “J” was supposed to face. Remembering that veggies are almost all green is good, but I have seen green pumpkins. I have seen all kinds of colored pumpkins, even ones in KISS makeup, so the once-easy heuristic becomes irrelevant.
- I am not a fan of the exotic meats. Have we run out of cows? No? Then knock it off with the alligator.
- I’d eat a panda, though they’re so useless in every way, I have to assume their meat is inedible.
- A glass of milk. Milk may be placed on cereal, but if you just stand there and guzzle down a frothy glass of that viscous secretion, then I secretly never trust you again.
My little sister, who has never exceeded 1/2 of my size, used to chase me around with toadstools because I was (and am) so disgusted by mushrooms. Feel you on several of these – hairy fruit is not food – but fuck mushrooms especially.
The mushroom phobia is surprising. Are there really no varieties that you have made an exception for, for example during spring tour?
My approach, when absolutely necessary, was to stuff ’em inside a twinkie. In hindsight, that probably made things worse.
The trick is peach ice cream: chop ’em up and mix ’em in.
And, sure: there are exceptions, but if there was a different way to get the psilocybin into myself, then I would prefer that to actually eating the coprophagic fungus.