Dark Star, Splashes

Goddammit, you fuckers owe me.

Not the way to start a post.

And fuck you, too, you slanty fuck.

HEY! Racist!

No. It would have been racist to call you ‘slant-eyed.’ It also would have been incorrect, as you’re not Asian.

I am not.

Good for you. Go don’t be Asian somewhere else while I berate the Enthusiasts.

Whatever.

Hey! You out there! You! The one who keeps pawing at your genitals, and eating the wrong food, and smoking too much dope. Not everybody else except you. I’m talking to you. And what I have to say is this: you fail me, and you owe me. You are inattentive to Donate Button’s needs, you send me no doobies, and not a one of you has offered to pack, transport, and unpack all of my possessions (for free) when I move house next week. From you, I receive bubkes, and yet I still provide you with the vaguely Grateful Dead-related content you crave.

Which makes me kinda like a saint. Definitely a hero.

Who else would spend a significant chunk of time–time that could be spent teaching orphans to read or manufacture iPhones–scouring the internet trying to seolve a mystery that: A, wasn’t really that mysterious; and B, turns out not to be incredibly interesting. Enthusiasts, I will not lie: this bullshit will be good for a chuckle, but it’s not a story that’s gonna blow your mind.

Anyway, I’m toodling around the Getty Image site, deciding which of their property I’m going to steal, I see the thumbnail of the above pic. I am, obviously, searching for Dead shots, and so this image confuses me. Who is this man in the lamentable jacket? What relation has he to our chooglers? Who taught him to tie a tie?

Thus, I clicked. The photo’s caption:

Were you expecting to hear that sentence when you woke up this morning?

I stretched thoroughly, Enthusiasts, and then employed my Google Fu, which is the strongest in the village. Nothing. The Daily News’ archive, searching the date, various spellings of Lipinski: nothing. This is when I recalled that Getty Image’s search feature is excellent, but their copy editors do not exist, and so tried leaving the name out and looking for “grateful dead urination arrest new jersey.”

Which is not something I expected to Google when I woke up this morning.

But it worked: turns out that Pee Pee Boy is named ‘Lipski,’ not ‘Lipinski.’ And it wasn’t a Grateful Dead concert, it was a tribute band at Washington D.C.’s legendary 9:30 Club. The “pissing on a crowd from a balcony” part is right, though. He plead no contest to one misdemeanor count, which is some privileged nonsense: pissing on a crowd is inciting a riot, multiple counts of assault, plus you’re on the sex pervert list because you took your dick out in public.

Leaky Lipski finished out his term as a Jersey City Councilman and left politics; since 2012, he’s been the vice-principal of a suburban New Jersey high school, so let that be a lesson to you: avoid Grateful Dead tribute bands.

You were right: that was mildly interesting.

I don’t lie sometimes. Do you think the tribute band was Dark Star Orchestra?

It was probably Dark Star Orchestra.

BOOM.

The internet is a hell of a thing.

Isn’t she, though?