Emir-ie Canal

Saudi media says kingdom could turn Qatar — its neighbor and rival — into an island –Washington Post, 6/25/18

“Saudi Jenkins!”

“Yes, Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, Conquerer of the Desert, Protector of Allah, Fist of the Righteous, Real Up-and Comer?”

“Seriously, can you believe I’m only 32?”

“You’re firing on all cylinders, sir.”

“Speaking of which…”

“Buy some more cars. Got it,”

“No. Execute some cousins. I was thinking, like, ‘Ready, aim, fire!'”

“Ohh. Sure, sure. Cousins. Any in particular?”

“Jason.”

“It’s just so odd that a meber of the Saudi royal family would be named ‘Jason.'”

“I couldn’t agree more, Jenkins, but I grew up with the man. We went falconing every summer. Ah, hell, don’t execute him. Lock him in the Ritz. Beat him up, but just a little.”

“Allah’s beneficence works through you, sir.”

“This has been said by a great many men, many of whom were greater than you, Jenkins. Now: brief me about my canal.”

“In brief, it’s ridiculous.”

“You had that one in your pocket.”

“I did, sir. I admit to this transgression.”

“By the Prophet’s beard, you are a trickster. If you were related to me, I’d have you killed. Now tell me about Project: Qatarize.”

“Well, sir–“

“It sounds like ‘cauterize.'”

“I heard it, sir.”

“We’re not actually cauterizing anything, but it’s close. It sounds surgical. How is it testing with the people?”

“Oh, very well, but the results may be skewed by the fact that we’re a repressive dictatorship.”

“Yeah, I don’t even know why I bothered asking about them. What about Operation: Light Shovel?”

“The scientists have reported conclusively that you cannot use a giant space-based laser to dig a 600-foot wide trench in the earth.”

“Get new scientists.”

“They’re right, sir. You’re pretty much describing a Death Star. Like a mini version. It’s not a machine that could be created within our current framework of understanding.”

“Double the budget.”

“That will make no difference.”

“Fine, fine, we’ll use the slave labor. Jenkins, it’s going to be beautiful. 1,000 feet wide and 300 feet deep.”

“Not 600 feet wide?”

“600? Who says this? I spit on the camels of his ancestors! 1,000 spectacular feet. And you know what? Now it’s 500 feet deep. The canal just got 200 feet deeper.”

“Strong move, sir.”

“Jenkins, come here. I have a new twist to the plan that I haven’t revealed with anyone else yet. You’ll be the first.”

“Oh, goody.”

“After we dug the trench, we’re going to push Qatar out to sea.”

“No, sir.”

“We’ll get all the strongest guys we know. Really put our legs into it.”

“No, sir.”

“You’re saying we’ll need to attach some outboard motors to Qatar?”

“I was absolutely not saying that in any manner. I was saying that, once again, the basic rules of science and constraints of reality conspire against you. The landmass will not float away into the Persian Gulf if detached from the mainland.”

“Only in theory. You must admit that the idea has not been put to the test. I’m saying: ‘Who knows? Let’s give it a whirl.’ I’m a dreamer, Jenkins.”

“Your dreams are the wishes of all of your loyal subjects, Your Wonderfulness. But it will be a waste of resources.”

“Oh, no. Canal’s gonna pay for herself. I’m doing different features along the length of it. Up north is going to be rapids, and I’m gonna charge people to ride ’em. Down south, I got islands in the middle of the water. Gonna sell ’em as non-state-recognized land to private armies. Other sections of the canal will be nature preserves. You’ll be able to watch the beaver and the ducks and antelope and leopards.”

“Saudi Arabia has none of these animals, sir.”

“We’ll fly them in.”

“Okay.”

“And some sort of weaponized crocodile. I haven’t decided yet whether it’s gonna be a completely robotic croc or some sort of techno-enhanced hybrid machine/reptile. I need crocodiles that will do what I want, but also be capable of making their own decisions. I want to be able to steer them, basically. ‘Go here. Eat these Qataris.’ And from there, the animal takes over. So I’m figuring that we’ll need a neural implant of some kind.”

“Again, your imagination outstrips even the keenest of scientific minds, Shining Light of Islam, Reader of the Koran, Moderate Relaxer of Social Mores.”

“You flatter me.”

“What do the other world leaders think of this plan?”

“Putin thinks it’s fucking hilarious.”

“Figures.”

“Xi offered to sell me slave labor.”

“You can’t beat their prices. What about the Europeans?”

“They haven’t even noticed. Problems of their own.”

“True. What about Fuckface?”

“You kidding me? I promised the Kushner kid a piece of the construction. He took it to Trump and by the end of the meeting Trump though it was his idea. Little fucker’s desperate for cash. Jenkins?”

“Please don’t say it, sir.”

Let’s Make Arabia Great Again.”

“You said it.”