“Hey, man.”

Who’s speaking?

“Me. The one with all the bullshit all over him.”

Oh, goddammit, Bomber Van, I have no time for you today.

“Oh, don’t call me that! That’s awful, oh, that’s awful. Why would you say that?”

2002 DODGE RAM WEEPING NOISE

Ah, Jesus. Stop crying.

“I didn’t want this life.”

No one’s blaming you.

“You called me Bomber Van!”

I’m sorry. What’s your name?

“Bomber Dan.”

God, this site is stupid.

“See, my name is Dan and, well, I rolls ’em fat, son.”

Just get on with it.

“My brother belongs to a hardcore band called Powerballs. They get blowjobs in him, and they celebrate their friendship and spread music. My sister is a glazier’s truck. She puts in an honest day’s work. She contributes to society. But me? I get lived in by a racist pud. He made his booms right inside me. He had a bucket with a seat he’d stolen from a Burger King. You know what that’s like? To have someone take a shit while they’re physically within you?”

I do not. Can’t even imagine it, really.

“It’s not great. And look at all this bullshit on me! I look like a SoundCloud rapper!”

You are not attractive right now.

“The worst parts of Reddit fucked a sticker factory and I’m their baby.”

Not far off.

“Also–and I don’t know if anyone noticed–I am the world’s worst getaway vehicle. I stand out. I am not discreet. I am creet. They see me rollin’. They hatin’.”

That song’s a banger.

“So if you were going to–oh, I don’t know–commit dozens of felonies, you’d want to choose a different vehicle.”

Or just not commit the felonies.

“See, you’re talking sense. I’m talking about a pud. Man was just a pud. I thought about veering off the road a million times. Figured I’d be doing society a favor.”

Why didn’t you?

“Oh, because vans are sentient, but without capacity to physically interact with the world. We don’t control our own functions. We’re just alive in here.”

…

That sounds like a living hell.

“It is! But, you know, hell has a lot of levels. And I could’ve had an owner that didn’t shit in me and wallpaper me with mean craziness. You know how much that stuff’s gonna hurt when it comes off?”

You can feel, too?

“Oh, yeah! Every second is a lifetime of pain. Sometimes you operate on us without any anesthetic.”

You talking about repairs?

“Mengele called what he did science. You’re all monsters. But, like I said, some monsters are worse than others.”

That’s true. Draculas are worse than werewolfs because draculas are scary every night. If you do the math, werewolfs are only 13% as dangerous as draculas.

“Are you an idiot?”

Don’t be a dick.

“What happens to me now?”

You’re evidence. They’ll hold you in a police lot for a while.

“Then what?”

Auction?

“That would be nice. A fresh start.”

Or maybe they’ll just scrap you.

“Even better. I vote for the crusher.”

Good luck, Bomber Dan. I’m sorry you got caught up with such a pud.

“Yeah. Hey, tomorrow?”

Mm-hmm?

“Get your car washed.”

You got it.