Heady-To-Wear

New York wanted in, I suppose. Los Angeles has James Perse, and his schmucky schmatas priced to be worn on Instagram, but New York had not yet licensed the Dead’s iconography to fuse with haute couture.

Haight couture, if you’ll allow me.

But New York has that all cleared up now that Proenza Schouler has the license. What, you ask, is a Proenza Schouler? I don’t know, I’ll reply; go ask John Mayer. How, you continue, does one pronounce Proenza Schouler? Still I have no answers for you, but I am quite positive that the homosexuals and skinny women of Proenza Schouler will correct you in the most condescending way when you attempt it.

Whoa there, Archie Bunker.

It is a fact akin to gravity that everyone who works in the fashion industry is a homosexual or a skinny woman.

…

Yeah, you’re right, but I feel like maybe you shouldn’t just state it so baldly.

I’m moving on without your permission.

So: it is a sweater–an exclusive one, one that has been adapted–that comes in sizes XS-L; they have not sold out of the XL; there was never an XL. To afford a $925 garment, the purchaser must have a yearly income of all the money. This top will be bought using credit cards on which the billing and shipping addresses are not the same. In a just world, this sweater would lead to Communism. This is the piece of clothing that would knock over the first domino in the theory.

Or maybe this:

It’s inspired by the traditions in American craft. When William Shakespeare was inventing English, do you think it was so the phrase “It’s inspired by the traditions in American craft” could be written? Venturing farther into the sentence, misplaced modifiers are everywhere. The rules of grammar is not that hard.

HIGH-END CLOTHING BOUTIQUE PHONE NOISE

“Hello?”

Hi, is this Proenza Schouler?

“It’s pronounced Proenza Schouler.”

I can hear the sneer in your voice.

“You sound poor and I’m about to hang up.”

I have a quick question about the Grateful Dead Hava Chain Shoulder Bag.

“Mm?”

Is there, like, two grand in cash in it?

“Why would there be?”

I’m just trying to figure out why it’s $2,495.

“I was right. You are poor.”

Is there dope in the bag? State secrets? I have to know why–

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

Anyway, this is the future and it’s what we wanted–we should’ve fought harder if we didn’t–and we don’t come up with new ideas here in the future, just deliver the old ones faster and more dearly. Legacy culture, Enthusiasts. Last gasp of the dying. Last light of the day. It was nice while it lasted, for some; for others, it just lasted. But it’s all over now.