In response to the Black Lives Matters protests of the past weeks and months, the following changes have been made:
- Pearl Jam’s Ten rereleased without the song Black.
- The Woodrow Wilson School of Public Policy renamed the Mookie Wilson School of Public Policy.
- Mel Gibson only permitted to star in one movie a year instead of “however many he wants.”
- 7/11/69 deleted from the Archive. (Look it up yourself, but keep it to yourself, too.)
- Chocolate Rain is now the National Anthem, but not Phish’s version.
- Colin Kaepernick allowed to take any job he wants, even if he’s entirely unqualified for it, like deep-sea salvage work or kidney surgery.
- “Black cat crossing your path” now lucky.
- If you watch Gone With The Wind on HBO Max, you will now see a disclaimer explaining the context of the film’s creation, and also a laser beam will shoot from the screen about 45 minutes in, hit you in the forehead, and poach your frontal lobe.
- “John Wayne Airport” renamed the “Wig-Wearing Bitch Who Didn’t Serve In WWII And Was Actually Named Marion Airport.”
- All Cracker Barrels replaced with Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles.
- Johnny Walker rejiggers their ranking system so that Black Label is now the good stuff instead of the second-worst swill.
- Confederate Statue, an unfortunately named women from Topeka, thrown into a lake.
In response to the Black Lives Matters protests of the past weeks and months, the following changes have not been made:
- Anything, like, important.