In the spirit of Maleficent, and Man of Steel, and other grim and gritty reboots of popular franchises, the Grateful Dead is proud to announce their own reboot!
In this darker, more modern version, the members’ parents will all die young or pauperize their children through thievery and lies. Business decisions will place money over health or art. They will leave a wake of fiery hotels, totaled cars, abandoned marriages, and licked-clean glassine baggies.
The new Dead’s iconography will all be centered around death and the occult and drugs. Speaking of drugs, they shall–openly, often, and in clear words and short sentences–advocate the use of them, two in particular. Behind the scenes, there will be drug use of a less adorable bent, things you don’t like to get photographed doing. (That’s the thing about the hard shit: you want it to stay behind the scenes, but it always winds up grabbing the spotlight. The hard shit is a diva.)
To make the Dead fit in with the Dark Knight trilogy and the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they will now be far more violent, as well. The drummers, mostly. And the road crew. And, to be honest, the other guys (and Mrs. Donna Jean, who is now played by Jennifer Lawrence because she is SO REAL THAT WE COULD TOTES BE BESTIES) enjoyed pointing the drummers and the road crew at people and watching the violence. Just an awful lot of gratuitous violence, is what I’m saying here.
Also, Ned Lagin will now be played by a CGI Shia LeBeouf.