• I’m still upset.
  • The nap was supposed to mellow me out; it did not; I arose angrier than when I laid down.
  • And then I read some of the reviews, and they infuriated me even further.
  • Because all of them basically said, “Eh, it’s fine.”
  • AND IT’S NOT FINE.
  • Having had time to think, my problems with the film were threefold:
    • It was bland.
    • I was treated like a moron.
    • Evil, evil homosex.
  • BLAND
  • Not one shot.
  • I don’t recall one single shot.
  • The director just set the camera anywhere, as if he were a drug addict who liked to fuck teen boys.
  • Here’s a stage.
  • Here’s an office.
  • Tracking shot through a party, wow.
  • And, as is required by Hollywood Law, the shitty-looking impossible shot that snakes through the parking lot of Wembley and up over the wall and down the stands and the pitch and up onto the stage at Live Aid.
  • You can picture the shot, right?
  • It’s been in every movie with a large event since around 2006.
  • Always looks terrible.
  • Dialogue, too.
  • 80% of the lines are characters stating how they feel at one another.
  • Or being expositionary.
  • MORON
  • Early in the film, the three Queens who are not Freddie burst into Freddie’s apartment; he is asking Mary to marry him, and he is happy due to the fact that the evil, evil homosex has not gotten to him yet.
  • “John Reid called and said we were going on a tour of America!”
  • They tell Freddie this news with glee and surprise.
  • As if they hadn’t been involved in planning a tour of another fucking continent.
  • That’s not how the music industry works.
  • That’s not how human beings work.
  • And then there’s Jim fucking Hutton.
  • He was Freddie’s last major relationship.
  • There when he died.
  • In real life, Jim cut hair at the Savoy Hotel and met Freddie at a party, where he turned down his advances; a year later, they re-met and hit it off.
  • In Bohemian Rhapsody, however, Jim is the Doughy Angel Of Love, this empty symbolic space where a character should have been.
  • Jim is cater-waitering at one of Freddie’s shindig/orgies, and Freddie grabs at his tushee.
  • This doesn’t make Jim mad.
  • Just disappointed.
  • He is Saintly.
  • He is Patient.
  • He is Kind.
  • You’ve heard of the popular film trope The Magical Negro?
  • Jim Hutton is The Magical Homo.
  • But let’s get back to the part where the movie treated me like a moron.
  • So: Freddie gets handsy with Jim, and Jim gives him a stern but loving talking-to.
  • Year goes by, but Freddie is still thinking of Jim.
  • It is the morning of Live Aid.
  • Freddie looks Jim up in the phone book; this leads to a comedy take in which he sees there are dozens of Jim Huttons listed.
  • THE VERY NEXT SHOT is Jim opening the door of his house to Freddie.
  • Which means one of three things:
    • Jim Hutton’s middle name is Aaron or Aardvark.
    • Freddie Mercury has cold-called at least several strange men named Jim Hutton across the London area.
    • This movie thinks I’m a fucking idiot.
  • And then Freddie and Jim say some shit to each other and it’s awful BUT THEN Freddie takes Jim to his parents’ house.
  • Freddie hasn’t seen him in a year, and they only spoke briefly.
  • But now he’s dragging him to Mum and Papa’s house for tea.
  • THE AFTERNOON OF FUCKING LIVE AID.
  • Don’t piss in my face and tell me it’s Mountain Dew, Bohemian Rhapsody.
  • Stupid-ass bullshit.
  • HOMOSEX
  • I cannot stress enough how anti-gay this film is.
  • And I can’t go see movies anymore.
  • Not in the theaters, not the first week at least.
  • There were Church Ladies in front of me, three or four of ’em.
  • The Madea kind, not the Dana Carvey kind.
  • And they never got used to the gaiety.
  • Every time Freddie kissed a guy:
  • “OH, LAWD!”
  • “That ain’t what you want, baby.”
  • “Go back to that blonde girl, and Jesus.”
  • Ten minutes would go by, and then Freddie would kiss another guy, and:
  • “HELP ME, JESUS!”
  • “He don’t wanna learn no right from wrong.”
  • “That boy got a condition.”
  • This was the whole damn movie, Enthusiasts.
  • Honestly, it was more entertaining than anything on-screen.
  • Just watch this:

  • Wasn’t that better than some bug-eyed kid miming it?