Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

New Features Of Melania’s Rose Garden

  • Each blade of grass individually gold-plated.
  • Patch of quicksand that eats around a dozen kids each Easter Egg Hunt.
  • One of those poisonous gympie trees from Australia without, like, a fence around it or anything.
  • Morlocks.
  • Bunch of worn-out couches from Mar-a-Lago that Basketball Head charged the government $8,000,000 apiece for.
  • Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.
  • Eternal flame dedicated to Piščanca, Chicken God of Slovenia, who will one day return to peck out the souls of the unworthy.
  • A 50′ statue of Robert E. Lee on a horse, and he’s wearing a tee-shirt that reads SUCK IT, DARKIES and so is the horse.
  • More dog corpses than you’d prefer, but not as many as you’d expect.
  • Stephen Miller masturbating on the hyacinths.
  • Pile of baby doll heads, and when you ask about it, everyone flat-out denies that it’s there; you could be standing right in front of it, and Kayleigh MacEnany would be like “What pile of baby doll heads?”
  • Daily Trapt concerts.
  • Vastibule roses, which have the highest thorn density of any rose breed, and also aren’t that nice to look at.
  • A giant topiary sculpted in the shape of Dr. Fauci getting rogered by a grizzly bear.
  • Bunch of semi-military goons with no identifying badges beating the living shit out of the forsythia.
  • Merch table.


  1. wabisabied

    No water feature? Choreographed fountains and neon-colored spotlights, maybe a laser show projected in the mist? Augmented with a dry-ice machine? Something for the families, ya know?

    Or maybe that’s the quicksand.

  2. JES

    I totally doff my cap to you for actually looking up how to say “Chicken” in Slovenian. That’s the level of expertise and dilgence that makes the magic.

  3. Charles Caloia

    You forgot the Richard Nixon eternal flame sponsored by Maxell.

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