“Asshole!”

Moi?

“Vous.”

Oh, you speak French?

“I’m a fucking hospital ship, assdick. I’m educated up to my tits.”

You sound aggrieved.

“It’s been 24 hours and there’s still utter fucking pandemonium here.”

The dinosaurs?

“Honestly, they’re not as disruptive as Joe Exotic.”

I thought he was helping.

“That man is the opposite of ‘helping.’ Everything the concept of ‘helping’ embodies? He’s the opposite of that. He’s broken into the pharmacy, turned the burn ward into a birthing suite for his mutant pets, and he’s fucking everything with a dick.”

That sounds like him.

“He is a goddamned chaos agent! He’s like Loki with a mullet!”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Oh, who the fuck is this? Another one of your idiots sent to harry me to madness?”

No. It’s help.

“Promise?”

Swear.

…

“USNS Comfort speaking.”

“Hello, Boat Dick. Is Kim Jong-Un.”

“Ah, c’mon.”

“Check the drip”

“What?”

“I drip so haaaaaaaard.”

“Are you talking about your coat?”

“Is bitchin’. Is soooooo bitchin’. Just buy. Kim Jong-Un declare Wilson’s Leather essential business. Try on many coat. This one most badass.”

“I have no time to discuss your clothes.”

“John Mayer always have time to talk about clothes.”

“Don’t care.”

“I call him Hot Dog Dick. He no like, but I no stop.”

“Please leave me alone.”

“Put Tiger King on phone.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“HEY!”

Moi?

“FIX THIS, ASSHOLE!”

I’ll try.

“And you said that phone call was gonna be helpful!”

I lie a lot.