Oh, hey! Just thinking about you.

“You suck. You really, really suck. You drop me into this half-assed, causality-free universe of yours, loose a crop of monsters and megalomaniacs on my decks, and then disappear. Where were you last night?”

I went to sleep early. Felt soooooooo good.

“Y’know what was happening here?”

Dinosaur rodeo?

“Yeah, a dinosaur rodeo. That mulleted moron staged a full-on Calgary Stampede on me. It was hellish. People were trying to stay on the back of a T-Rex for eight seconds.”

Did they?

“Not one! Flung off, stepped on, and eaten head-first. Every single one. Didn’t stop the next rider from trying, though.”

Why?

“Dr. Elvis has gained control of the compounding pharmacy. He’s making some real powerful stuff in there.”

Oh, that’s iffy. He didn’t even get his high school diploma.

“I know that. He told me that he plays by ear.”

You can’t do chemistry by ear.

“I also know that. It’s just so, so dangerous here right now. And, you know: my name is literally Comfort. I’m supposed to be a safe place, and instead I am the exact opposite. It’s just a bit dispiriting.”

I feel for ya.

COLLECT CALL NOTIFICATION NOISE

Hold on. I should take this.

…

Yello?

“You have an incoming collect call from the USNS Comfort’s brig. Will you accept the charges from Joe Exotic-Pasage-Holzwig-Schliestein-Pooh-Locksley?”

Sure. Joe, why are you in the brig?

“I have been set up by Elvis Presley and that fucking bitch Mary Tyler Moore!”

Don’t talk about Mary Tyler Moore that way.

“I’ll give that bitch spunk!”

Knock it off. Why are you in there?

“Homophobia!”

And?

“An’ I paid a pterodactyl four grand to eat Mary Tyler Moore.”

Y’know, the boat’s right: none of this makes any sense.

“I was set up! My rights was wronged! I am a patsy like Patsy Cline! I was framed like Bob Frame!”

Who’s Bob Frame?

“Friend o’ mine.”

Okay. How were you set up?

“When I gave that pterodactyl the money to have that bitch Mary Tyler Moore et, I asked it if it was an undercover cop. They gotta tell you if they is. I asked it straight out: You a cop? And you know what it said?”

What?

“AWWWWCK! AWWWWWCK!”

Maybe that’s pterodactyl for “I am a cop.”

“I would not know that! Me an’ education was always at cross-purposes. Get me out of here! I have been trespassed against! These charges are hogwallow! I’m like that French guy, Richard Dreyfuss! Y’all accuse! Y’all accuse!”

This has nothing to do with Dreyfuss Affair.

“Speaking of which, I have married six of my fellow prisoners since I got here.”

When did you get there?

“Couple hours ago.”

You work fast.

“Joe Exotic’s got a supersonic heart.”

I’ll see what I can do.