• Who stole my prescription pad?
  • Yes, Mr. Weir, the nurse shoes are comfortable: that’s why they wear them. But the skirt’s a bit much.
  • I’m not arguing that it “shows off your sexy gams to full effect.” Take it off.
  • Stop smoking.
  • Being Jewish does not automatically qualify you to be a doctor, Mr. Hart.
  • First off, Mr. Barger, you are not being discriminated against because you are a Hell’s Angel; it’s not a protected class. Second, ride your motorcycle back down the stairs this instant.
  • We need some floaters down in the ER. Weirdest thing: must be 20 cases of penile trauma down there.
  • Dammit, Phil, it’s just the EKG machine beeping. Ned Lagin’s not here.
  • Who stole my other prescription pad?
  • A coma, Bobby. Not a comma. Yes, it is a small pause from life, but you can’t do that to the English language.
  • It’s not lupus.
  • Who the hell tie-dyed all the scrubs?
  • Because they’re scalpels: that’s why you can’t play darts with them.
  • Where are all the candy-stripers?
  • Where’d Billy go?
  • I don’t care who invited you, Mr. Marsalis. You can’t “sit in” for surgery. I don’t even know what that means.
  • Security to the pharmacy.
  • Gentlemen, the wheelchair drag races have to stop.
  • Doctor Who doesn’t work here, Mr. Weir. Nor Dr. Watson. Nope, no Dr. Teeth. Judge Reinhold? What?
  • Whoever keeps calling for room service needs to knock it off.
  • No, not “as long as you’re here,” Mr. Lesh. That liver is spoken for.