Enthusiasts, you know that I do this for you. Everything, all for you: each meandering, over-punctuated sentence, belabored metaphor, recycled joke masquerading as a running gag, the endless neologizing. All for you.
And why?
Because I love you.
You know this, Enthusiasts. My love for you is resplendent and vociferous and several other words that don’t quite mean what I want them to. My love for you grooves; it shakes; it shits on the bar during Happy Hour. My love for you has no boundaries, no matter how politely you ask that I stop licking your muffins. My love for you stole twenty bucks from your wallet when you weren’t looking. Which came first: the chicken, the egg, or my love for you?
I know not.
All I know is that I love you.
And I want to do more, Enthusiasts. Which is why I am proud and, of course, blessed to announce the arrival of TotD’s Life Coacharium. My unique skills and experience as a Life Coachologist™can be yours, and all that I ask in exchange from you is nothing. And money. Also, you’ll need to sign a contract saying that you won’t sue me no matter what I do. Who can benefit from some time in the Life Coacharium? I’ll tell you:
- The stymied.
- The stuck.
- Previous victims of multi-marketing schemes and/or cults.
- The sexually confused.
- The confusingly sexual.
- Benjy Eisen.
Perhaps you feel like you were meant for something greater. Maybe you’ve been waiting for your day in the sun and just don’t know how to get out from under your umbrella. Or if you have too much money. Whatever it is: I alone can fix you.
TotD’s Life Coacharium has several levels of engagement and also custom-designed programs focused on YOU, the loser who needs help.
Plebeian Level
I (or one of our well-trained and vetted Life Coachologists™who definitely isn’t someone from the Comment Section I sub-contracted you out to) will text you several times a day with inspirational quotes and dick pics. For an additional fee, the dick pics will not be sent.
Legionnaire’s Level
Clients choosing this option will be allowed one (1) phone call with me a day during the window of time lasting from 5 pm EST to 5:30 pm EST unless I’m napping or yanking off or whatever. I WILL NOT YANK OFF WITH YOU ON THE PHONE unless you want to.
Praetor’s Suite Level
You fly me to the nearest Four Seasons Hotel, I come over* every day and slap you silly until you make something of your worthless life.
Enthusiasts, can you afford to waste the rest of your life just like you’ve wasted the part up until now? More importantly: can you afford me? I think that you can.
And why is that?
It is because I love you.
*You will provide lunch, and I have incredibly specific demands.
i would like to apply for a position as a coachologist. if necessary, i will resign from the comments section, or at least make comments under a different name. i think i would make a very helpful life coachologist. if you need a reference, i think that my comments section daughter, swaggie maggie, could vouch for me. i look forward to receiving your response.
Currently in the market for a life couch. One that’s preferably in front of a TV and not far from the bathroom/kitchen.
Can you just answer motivational questions at $100 a pop?
If so, answer this.
How can I learn to quit reading ToTD on the couch and walk down to the coffeehouse and read the train wreck of emails that sit in my inbox?
Thanks..
Tor_Haxson
offering my services:
proper use of Bad Swears
how to come up with a starting lineup. written on a pack of Player’s.
how to effectively blame everyone else, in an encouraging way
self-grooming tips
Turd Talk: how to “read” your Turds
I’m definitely signing up for a Turd Talk.
Other possible topics:
Creating a life plan to disguise your psychosis.
Finding balance by doing nothing.
6 life changes that are guaranteed to make you look happier on Facebook.
Getting behind the wheel of your own happiness during that taco bell run.
Find the courage to reveal your inner self by fully revealing your outer self.
Personal development through personalized itch remedies.
Inspire your loved ones by not giving a shit.
a “fast food” restaurant
https://www.durhamregion.com/news-story/7062728-cops-stop-car-in-ajax-being-driven-on-just-three-tires/