Should I Pat A Lion On The Head? An FAQ

Should I pat a lion on the head?

Define “pat.”

Pat pat pat.

No.

What about scritchy-scratches?

Also no?

How, then, should I interact with a lion?

Physically?

Yes.

Not at all. Shouldn’t even be in the same room as a lion. If you’re waiting on an elevator and the doors open up and there’s a lion in the car, do not get in that elevator. Another one will be along presently, and most likely it will contain no lions at all.

Why shouldn’t I pat a lion on the head?

Did you even look at the screen shot?

It contains no details.

You need none. All you need is the first line of that story and you know the whole thing. It ends the only way it can.

What if it’s a friendly lion?

No such thing.

What if it’s a cowardly lion?

That was actually a Jew in a kitty costume. Not a real lion.

Yeah?

Swear to God.

Learn something new every day. May I digress?

I’ve never been able to stop you before?

True. Genghis Con is gonna let that island die, isn’t he?

Yeah. First cases of cholera should start Monday.

Cholera. You don’t say. Now, remind me again: what country is Puerto Rico in?

America.

Cholera, you say?

I do.

In the United States in 2017?

Surprise.

Can we go back to talking about lions and foolishness?

We can do whatever we want.

Is there anyone who should pat a lion?

You and I both know the name of a man who should pat every fucking lion he sees.

This was fun.

It wasn’t.