Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Sometimes We Visit Your Country

“Howdy, Sport. New in town?”

“How’d you know?”

“I watched you get off that bus.”


“Oh, sure. You’re a deducer.”

“I sure am. Lemme give you some advice, Sport: when you hear the flapping, run for cover.”



“Like a bird?”

“But moreso. Way, way moreso.”

“A big bird?”

“You’ll see.”


“Oh, God, what the fuck is that?”

“It’s a Long-Winged Nuthatch. Mile-long, precisely.”

“How can it exist?”

“We had some of our best scientists trying to figure that out.”


“Eaten by the nuthatch. It actually scooped up the entire building they were in.”


“Keep it down, Sport. That thing’s got ears the size of diners.”

“It’s like a dragon with feathers.”

“No, it isn’t. Dragons are a fraction of that size. It’s just high up right now so you can’t see how big it is. Wait ’til it swoops.”

“Will it definitely swoop?”

“Oh, yeah. Death, taxes, and the nuthatch swooping into town and gobbling up a few folks. At least a few. Last Tuesday, it ate the entire varsity basketball team.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Eh. They were 1-5.”

“Why don’t you do something?”

“We did. We promoted the JV squad.”

“No, I meant about the bird.”

“What can we do? We tried shooting it, but we just couldn’t find a big enough gun. Say, you don’t happen to have a Hellfire missile on you?”


“Never hurts to ask.”


“Oh, God, what is that?”

“It’s singing! Y’gotta remember: its vocal cords are two city blocks long. Generates a lot of decibels. One time, it was perched on the ground and it chirped. The pressure from the sound wave made some babies explode.”

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah, that was fucked up. Y’get used to a lot of things, but not that. I can’t eat calzones anymore.”


“I know. I loved calzones.”

“No, I meant the babies.”

“Sure, okay.”

“Listen, no offense, but I’m gonna get going.”


“Were you planning on taking the bus?”

“Guess not.”


  1. Most Don't Even Migrate

    I spent a good portion of September sitting on the couch watching nuthatches eat at the feeder in New England. You’d have to be on acid to think those wings were a mile long, and it probably wasn’t a nuthatch anyway. No reasonable person builds a song around a nuthatch sighting.

  2. JES

    I’d go check it out, but there’s an alligator creeping round the corner of my cabin door, so I’m stuck inside . . .

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    You’re watching Hilarious House of Frankenstein CHCH (black 11 on the Jerrold), tucking in to a bowl of Sugar Crisp and a chocc milk (inch of sludge on the bottom) and this pops up? Freak you out, man. Soon as you hear that flute

  4. MJK

    The red breasted nuthatch migrates to warmer climates during the winter, if anyone was wondering, but I digress.

  5. JES

    Well, shit, now there’s a six hundred pound Dire Wolf grinning at my window.

    I hope he ate the alligator, anyway . . .

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