Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Soothe My Soul

Good news, Enthusiasts: as if you needed any reason besides the book’s wide-ranging brilliance, the upcoming soft-cover release of David Browne’s So Many Roads (available for pre-order now at Amazon) will feature a blurb on the back cover from TotD himself. As Browne’s well-researched and beautifully-written history is a clear rival to the title of BEST EVAR that McNally’s Official Version has held for years, this is an honor. I’d like to thank David.

Now, I shall accuse him of things, and quote from his only one-star review on Amazon.

You’re shitting me.

What? It’s how I thank people.

Please be nice.

I’m being sweet as Fun Dip. Remember Fun Dip?


That was a thing that used to exist.

It was red sugar.

There was also a stick.


Besides, I haven’t even mentioned that infuriating “e” at the end of his name.

Why won’t Jesus kill you?

Just look at this: So Many Roads has a bunch of reviews and stars and shit, and they’re all exemplary. There’s a single one-star review and it’s just exactly perfect.

I’ll allow it, but you’re on a very short leash, counselor.

Okay the whole thing’s boring, but here’s the best sentence:

Written by another dude out to make a quick buck.

A quick buck?

I know, right?

The book’s 400 pages long. Identity theft is a quick buck; writing a 400-page book is a legitimate job.

I know, right?

Did you immediately skip to the worst reviews?

Of course. That’s where the juice is. The most interesting Amazon reviews are bad critiques of universally respected and enjoyed work. What would be the point of reading the good reviews? I want to understand the guy who gives The Godfather one star. He’s fascinating.

Your mind works weird.

I also accuse David Browne of banditry.



I’m not gonna tell you again: stop doing that to French and to historical allusions. Neither deserve that kind of treatment.

Yeah, probably.

Banditry? I certainly hope you’re not accusing him of stealing other’s words.

What? No. Jesus, no. Of course not. You’re an asshole for even bringing that up.

I mean he hides behind trees and waits for rich people’s carriages to pass and robs them.

He doesn’t do that. Also: that’s being a highwayman, not a bandit.

A highwayman engages in banditry. English is not terribly difficult.

It is, actually.

Many quirks.

Also: stop accusing people of things. This is great and you should be proud and honored. David’s book is a towering addition to the Dead canon and he kindly chose you to be a part of it. Instead of making your little jokes, you should just say “Thank you.”

You’re right. Thank you, David. Everybody go buy his book, or go buy his book again. Christmas is coming!

Doesn’t that feel better than accusing?



I do have demands.

Of course.

You said “Dead cannon.”

I didn’t. Canon. One “n.”

Sure, but now I’m thinking about the Dead Cannon.

Are the drummers in charge of it?


How many people die?


1 Comment

  1. I always threw out the Fun Dip stick. Fun Dip=delicious, powdery awesome. The stick? It was a boring, yucky stick 🙁

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